THIS IS MY 100TH POST!!! WOO HOO!!!!!
OK... So with that out of the way...
Here's more of my exciting screenplay! I won't bore you with more explanations! Go back and read the last 2 acts if you want those!!!
Acts 4 & 5 of this tense pshycho-drama will be up soon! I know I'm slitting my financial wrists and throat here by putting this up for free, but at the same time feel obliged to note that if you're hooked by now--and who wouldn't be?!?--contact me if you'd like to shoot this baby! It's still up for grabs!
So… Away we go with…
IN THE SHAFT
ACT THREE
Fox News Celebrity BILL O'REILLY and nationally syndicated sex advice columnist DAN SAVAGE remain trapped together in a stalled elevator car. They have been here for some time now, and both men are showing signs of stress.
The lighting is DIM due to the lack of full power.
There is a strange BLURRINESS to Savages visage, which makes it impossible to know what he really looks like--or to describe him.
The two men have been arguing, and now a long silent moment passes. Then O'Reilly sighs.
O'REILLY
But if this keeps up, we may have to find a way
out of here. And if that happens, we'll probably
have to work together. In which case, I guess we
should getused to talking to each other at least
a little. Maybe we should practice.
He looks as though he's just bitten into something that tastes bad. So does Savage.
SAVAGE
Well, OK... What's something we might both feel
strongly about--enough, you know, at least to
have a conversation about that lasts for more
than a few sentences?
O'REILLY
(thinking)
Um, you know, I really don't know. The weather?
It's been really sort of strange lately. And
I'm pretty conservative, so I guess I think
ideas about global warming are... exaggerated?
I think…I'm not really sure what I think about
that. It's almost as though I haven't really
thought about what about what I think about
that enough to know what I think about that to
know what I think about that in real life,
i.e., when I'm not on this elevator ride. FWIW.
Savage blinks 6 times in quick succession.
O'REILLY
Well, what I find really hopeful about this as
a proposition is that you're a true liberal.
SAVAGE
Am I?
O'REILLY
Well, you must be. I mean, you write all those
...columns or whatever about...well... sex...
And... you... are...well...
(decisively)
...a homosexual!
Now in his element, O'Reilly is speaking with a little more assurance, the alarming insecurity he's been demonstrating for the past few moments has dissipated somewhat. He boldly lifts a hand, as if to silence an argumentative Savage, who actually is not argumentative at all, but seems to've drifted into a sort of trance state while O'Reilly orates.
O'REILLY
I'm not judging! I'm not judging! Right now, no
one is judging. But these are facts. Yes?
Savage glances up from the floor, apparently, drawn back from some cognitive gulf.
SAVAGE
Uh. Yes.
O'Reilly smiles indulgently.
O'REILLY
Traditionally, homosexuals such as yourself
have allied with socially liberal elements,
those more tolerant of moral irregularity.
SAVAGE
A lotta times.
O'Reilly is put off by Savage's laconic manner. He makes some inarticulate squealing noises as he occasionally will on television when he can't find the right words.
O'REILLY
They have. They have.
SAVAGE
OK. Probably.
O'REILLY
Well. So liberals believe in global warming.
So you are probably a liberal, I assume.
SAVAGE
Me too. But I'm not sure.
O'REILLY
You don't know?
His incredulity renders him momentarily into something like an avatar of Daffy Duck when confronted with the idiotic rubedom of Elmer Fudd, who for the 1200th time is talked into a Rabbit Season/Duck Season switcherroo.
O'REILLY
B-but. Everyone's a liberal or conservative and
knows it. Otherwise how do you know what boring
thing to say when somebody brings up topic that
somebody else brought up on NPR or in the Wall
Street Journal or on Yahoo News or wherever
(maybe even on the Chicago Cubs Discussion
Board off topic section, god help you)? How do
you know who not to vote for on election day
even though you act all self-righteous about
everyone else being stupid and evil and how
they all vote for the wrong people?
Savage is now humming "Wind Beneath My Wings," apparently oblivious to the gathering storm clouds of O'Reilly's pique.
O'REILLY
See! See! You're humming a Bette Midler song!
You're a gay liberal! I told you! So like you
must believe in greenhouse stuff! Ha! See? And
I must not! 'Cuz like I'm all right wing! I
must be all like haha! Let's regulate
environmental stuff even less! Let's pour DDT
in our morning coffee! I wanna use it in place
of KY jelly when I zoink my wife! Well not
really... I want my gardner to have to use it
on his wife, but they better be legals. I guess
that's what I probably maybe what I think. I'm
really just projecting on what I think based on
what I say on my retarded show when it's
occasionally watched for around 15 minutes. I
don't think that hard about what I think about
environmental stuff beyond that. Go with the
flow, I always say. Unless it's the flow of
illegal immigrants, drugs, terrorists, etc.,
and other predictable stuff us right wing
scare mongering pundit types hate. I guess.
For all I know, I maybe have 1-2 things where I
buck yr. expectations like maybe I do care
about climate change. But I wouldn't bank on
it. But enough about me. What do you think
about climate change, liberal?
Savage clears his throats, produces some 3X5 CARDS from somewhere, shuffles through them, shrugs, then tosses them aside.
SAVAGE
Um well for 1 thing?
O'Reilly nods.
SAVAGE
We never established I really was a liberal,
remember? I am gay. That's obvious. I do write
a nationally syndicated column offering people
advice about how to improve their sex lives.
I'm sorta the Dr. Ruth Westheimer of the New
Millennium for all you old fuckers. What an
achievement! And sure, at least 60% of my
advice involves encouraging people to explore
sodomy--not homosexuality, but sodomy. Ass play
can be butt loads--you'll paradon the
expression--of fun, even in a hetero
relationship...
O'REILLY
(thoughtfully)
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm??????????
SAVAGE
Yeah, 'cuz check it out:
From an unseen pocket, he produces a slightly blemished (and one assumes not esp. cool) CUCUMBER.
SAVAGE
You can insert.
He thrusts gently Bill-wards...
SAVAGE
Or have inserted.
He points the cucumber at himself.
O'Reilly bats the cucumber away.
O'REILLY
(sputtering)
Get that thing out of here! That's sick! Mr.
Savage, that's sick! Now I must ask you to
remain decent. Clearly, the weather is not an
appropriate topic. Though we still need
something we will both feel strongly about.
So... why not get right down to it.
O'Reilly smiles boldly.
O'REILLY
Gay marriage.
Savage offers no visible reaction.
O'Reilly spins his hands in front of him as if indicating that Savage has been traveling and that they opposing team should now take possession of the ball.
O'REILLY
Gaaaayyyy... marriage.
Savage may blink. It is somehow unclear--perhaps due to his nondescriptness.
O'Reilly shimmies in place in a posture of painfully contained potential.
O'REILLY
Mr. Savage? Now you must feel strongly about
this...
Savage glances at him uncertainly, and O'Reilly nods some encouragement.
O'REILLY
(CONT.)
...as a homosexual.
SAVAGE
Well... you'd think I might. I remember I got
pretty upset when that kid killed himself after
his roommate videotaped him having sex with
another guy and put it up on YouTube.
O'REILLY
(nodding, eagerly)
Yes...
SAVAGE
And well, I am gay, as you've noted. But so is
Ben Stein, and he's very conservative.
O'Reilly is thunderstruck.
O'REILLY
Ben Stein is...!
He sputters wordlessly. His eyes bug out. His jowls inflate, then deflate. He loosens the top button of his shirt, then swallows noisily. He leans in close to Savage desperately, confidentially.
O'REILLY
(CONT.)
...Gay?
SAVAGE
Um hum. Or at least he really comes across that
way, doesn't he?
O'Reilly sags. He slaps his forehead then lets his hand slide down his face, dragging his features with it--for now he has assumed the aspect of Daffy Duck.
O'REILLY
(angrily)
Mr. Savage, that is not funny!
SAVAGE
What's funny? Shaq seems gay too, & they do
those commercials together. Anyway, you're
right: gay marriage should be a corker of a
theme for you & I to chew over while we pass
the time, stuck here in this elevator.
Nevertheless, I feel the need to assert that
despite the very substantial likelihood that
I'd assume a 'pro' position relative to the
issue, I am unable to confirm that position at
this time.
O'REILLY
Now why in the world would that be true? Are
you saying you don't know how you feel about
the issue of gay marriage? That you're many...
followers... should just be content with being
left in the dark?
SAVAGE
I am not saying that I don't know how I feel
about the issue. I am saying that I am unable
to ascertain how I feel about it. It's as
though there's some strange veil of
uncertainty around me--as if the universe were
unwilling to let that information to be known
or if some strange force were unwilling to get
of its ass and be a conduit to the outside
universe by way of looking it up maybe.
O'Reilly looks troubled.
O'REILLY
I know what you mean. I felt... something.
Something like that when I was talking about
global warming. It wasn't that I didn't know
what I thought about it. It was that the
concept of my knowing just... wasn't
realized... or hadn't been deemed important
enough to be looked into.
They both look frightened for a moment. Then bored. Then frightened again. Then bored. Then frightened.
SAVAGE
How long have we been on this elevator?
O'Reilly glances at his watch.
O'REILLY
(worried)
23 minutes now.
Savage hits the alarm again, but nothing happens. He makes small whimpering noises. 'Tho barely audible, they make him sound a bit like a frightened Scooby-Doo.
O'Reilly cringes.
O'REILLY
(imperious)
Mr. Savage, please! Try and stay calm.
Savage becomes quiet.
O'REILLY
Here, let's try to take your mind off of all
this for a moment... May I ask you something?
Why is it that homosexuals...
O'Reilly makes a spinning gesture with one hand in the air, as if conjuring something, but suddenly, instead, he is pointing at Savage.
O'REILLY
(CONT.)
...such as yourself fantasize so much about
"converting" straight men...
O'Reilly straightens his spine, bending his arms at the elbow as if he were leaning on a desk--(he is, in fact, probably wishing he had a desk to lean on at this point, as his illustrative schticking has been developed carefully over years to include one...)
O'REILLY
(CONT.)
...such as myself to homosexuality? What is so
especially arousing about that?
Savage starts laughing. O'Reilly joins him, as he joins embattled guests in laughing on his show--not so much because he shares any amusement they may be feeling, but rather because he knows (and they know) that they are not amused. They are terrified. O'Reilly has them cornered, and the spin stops here.
As the laughter subsides, O'Reilly, raises eyebrows, lowers head implacably and stares at Savage.
SAVAGE
Bill, do you really believe that all gay men
have that fantasy?
O'Reilly doesn't enjoy thinking about this question in such detail, but refuses to back down.
O'REILLY
Well, yeah, most... seems to be what you hear.
SAVAGE
Do you think gay men are more turned on by
straight men than they are by other gay men or
something?
O'REILLY
(laughs)
Oh ho ho! Well... I certainly wouldn't know as
well as you would Mr. Savage, but aren't gay
men always talking about "fresh meat" and
things like that?
For a moment, Savage seems absolutely uncertain how to respond. He sputters in a manner reminiscent more of Yosemite Sam than Daffy Duck. Then he thinks better of it.
SAVAGE
Do you think most gay men would want to have
sex with you?
O'Reilly looks horrified.
O'REILLY
I don't really care, Mr. Savage. I don't want
to have sex with them. And if you're going to
make this topic personal, maybe we should move
along to something else. Now then... to help
us pass the time... Gay marriage... Pro...
O'Reilly less than subtly flips a limp wrist, pauses, rolls it over into a firm but not at all fascistic fist...
O'REILLY
(CONT.)
...con.
SAVAGE
I've already told you that I can't say what my
position on gay marriage is--not because
I don't have one--or because I do--nor,
necessarily, because I'm unwilling to reveal
any position that I do hold... and boy, do I
hold positions, and you should too, Bill.
Here's something that'll bring a breath of
fresh air into your bedroom: Have you ever
tried the Dirty Sanchez? Like you maybe you
consider broadening your horizons. I'm sure
your lady and you--much like oh so many other
couples who come to me seeking advice--and
emphasis here should be on come--ha ha ha!
--come on, Bill!--That's funny!--Ha ha ha!
Come on Bill! Except wow! I really don't wanna!
But maybe you should get your lover too? Have
you ever explored "heavy glazing?" I know your
lover must be a lady. What man would have you?
Just kidding, ladies out there! Some of my
best friends are women. Just like on Will &
Grace. I always wanted to bang my tits against
some straight chicks tits like that Jack and
Karen did on there. Well, in a commercial
anyway. I mean, I'm not gonna try n come off
so cool as to say I never watched that show,
'tho as those of us who have watched it mostly
know--outside it's normal viewership,
godluvyah--it's a glop of infected horsesnot,
but like a glop of infected horsesnot, once
you turn it on, it just sticks there and
congeals, and you see all these famous
straight people in it patting themselves on
the back for pretending they're gay like Harry
Connick, who we can all tell, at a glance is a
ragin' Cajun homophobe if e'er I did see one.
But like I only watched it when my dial hit it
and there was nothing, nothing, nothing better
on or there was just some dumb shit that
somehow caught me eye at that moment and made
me say... "what the fuck is that," y'know?
O'Reilly has been sputtering and waving frantically for some time now and finally manages to cut in.
O'REILLY
But but but! I like Will & Grace!
He looks horrified. Without thinking, he has revealed something about himself that threatens the iconic edifice of Bill O'Reilly, Culture Warrior.
Savage stands by, nondescript and impassive.
SAVAGE
So?
O'REILLY
I mean... I'm not gay...
SAVAGE
Right.
O'REILLY
But I like that show.
SAVAGE
Which means you have really bad taste.
O'Reilly is too relieved to be pissed. Then he seems troubled.
O'REILLY
Say, wh-wh-what's this Dirty Sanchez thing you
were talking about?
Savage looks over both shoulders, as if worried that someone might be eavesdropping.
SAVAGE
It's when...
He leans into whisper into O'Reilly's ear.
After a moment, O'Reilly recoils. He slaps his hands to his face in an approximation of Macaulay Culkin's famous Home Alone pose, except in those case, each of O'Reilly's pinkies is positioned directly below its corresponding nostril. He looks absolutely shocked.
As tends to happen when O'Reilly is agitated on the air, his voice breaks like Peter Brady's, as he speaks now.
O'REILLY
Mr. Savage! That is... disgusting! And I will
thank you to keep your physical distance from
me as well.
Savage sneers at him.
SAVAGE
Why don't we talk about gay marriage some more?
O'REILLY
Certainly.
SAVAGE
So far, we've only explored my feelings about
gay marriage, and they've remained as
undefined as my physical appearance.
O'REILLY
(distantly troubled)
...yes...
SAVAGE
So...what are your feelings about gay marriage?
O'Reilly perks up. His spine straightens. He squares his shoulders. He smiles broadly.
O'REILLY
Yes. I believe I have some things I should want
to say about that!
SAVAGE
Yes.
O'REILLY
(alarmed)
Only!
SAVAGE
Yes?
O'REILLY
I can't say what they are!
He slumps against the car wall and then slides down it to a kneeling position on the floor, head bent over, hands between his knees--an idol of defeat.
Savage leans toward O'Reilly, as if to comfort him, but then seems to think twice. Impotent frustration shows on his murky face.
SAVAGE
(sniveling a little to himself)
What is this force? What is this force? It's
like something brought us here for some reason
that doesn't make sense.
Savage's eyes light up with sudden intuition.
SAVAGE
Maybe it doesn't even know why it brought us
here!
But then the light fades from his eyes.
SAVAGE
But then what am I saying? It doesn't make any
sense...
He turns to O'Reilly, who is still slumped like a sack of Idaho spuds--eyes like TV viewers, wax like their ears!
SAVAGE
Bill! Bill! The time! How long now?!
O'REILLY
39 minutes...
Savage is horrified.
SAVAGE
This can't be happening.
Suddenly, O'Reilly springs to his feet. His eyes visibly gleam.
O'REILLY
Wait! I've got something! Why didn't I think
of it?
He turns to look at Savage.
O'REILLY
Why didn't you think of it?
As nondescript as ever, Savage is now also almost non-verbal with excitement.
SAVAGE
What-what-what?!
O'Reilly plunges one hand into his pocket, then yanks out... his CELL PHONE.
SAVAGE
We can call someone!
Having already set to tapping at the thing, O'Reilly looks up, bemused.
O'REILLY
What? Oh. Oh yeah.
He laughs.
O'REILLY
Would you believe I almost forgot? I was just
going to re-read an editorial about gay
marriage I wrote at oreilly.com recently. I
figured that would have to cut through this
weird fog and remind me what my positions
were.
He starts poking at his phone again. Savage is horrified.
SAVAGE
Bill!
O'Reilly looks at him.
O'REILLY
Oh right!
He dials.
O'REILLY
It's not ringing!
He looks at the phone.
O'REILLY
No service!
SAVAGE
(a little panicky)
Then how the fuck were you getting oreilly.com?
O'Reilly studies the phone and then thinks for a moment. Then it hits him.
O'REILLY
Cached view.
Savage hits himself on the forehead.
O'REILLY
Hey! You've got no right to be mad! Where's
your cell phone?
SAVAGE
I don't have it on me.
O'REILLY
Well, well, I thought all you hip young
internet media savvy types kept your iphones
and pods and pads and whatnot on you at all
times.
SAVAGE
(dejected)
I left it in my car.
Both men are quiet for a while. When O'Reilly speaks, he's quieter.
O'REILLY
Come on, hey, on the bright side, I can look up
what I think about gay marriage.
SAVAGE
(wearily)
What do you think about gay marriage?
O'REILLY
OK, I'll read you a quote here, straight from
oreilly.com: "I take a libertarian position on
issues like gay marriage because I want all
Americans to be able to pursue happiness
equally.
"However, I do understand that most Americans
believe heterosexual marriage deserves a
special place in our society. Our Judeo-
Christian traditions, which have made the
United States the most prosperous and just
society the world has ever known, speak to a
family built around a responsible mother and a
father—certainly the optimum when it comes to
raising children.
"I also understand that once America changes
marital law for one group, homosexuals, it
will have to allow plural marriages and other
types of situations under 'equal justice for
all.' Also, there is no question the
Scandinavian marriage model of anything goes
has led to a drastic decline in traditional
marriage."
Savage, who has been making disgusted "tsking" noises throughout O'Reilly's reading is now flagging him down to ask a question.
O'REILLY
Yes, Mr. Savage?
SAVAGE
Do you say anywhere what the "Scandinavian
marriage model" is or how it has led to a
decline in traditional marriage?
O'REILLY
Hm? Ah... I don't know. Let me see...
He looks at his phone for a while.
O'REILLY
Well, not here. I tried to search a little,
but having only the cached view is limiting
what I can get at. Also, I'm not as savvy at
internet searches as you younger folks.
He offers Savage a grin, which is not returned.
O'REILLY
But, you know, with Amsterdam and all of
that... Woo!
Savage only stares.
O'REILLY
But there's a little more left to my editorial
on gay marriage. Maybe it'll clear things up?
He clears his throat and resumes reading:
O'REILLY
"But you rarely hear those arguments
articulated in the media, which is largely
sympathetic to gay marriage. And not only
that, but people who feel strongly about
maintaining a special status for traditional
marriage have allowed themselves to be
intimidated. When was the last time you saw a
Catholic cardinal or archbishop speak against
gay marriage on television? I know—I've
invited some of them. They all turned me down.
"The truth is that pro-gay marriage forces
have succeeded in their bigot-branding
campaign and will not stop with marriage.
Because they won this public relations war,
you can expect to see the racist, bigot label
marketed in other controversial situations.
Already, abortion zealots are branding
pro-life people 'anti-woman' and 'anti-
privacy.' The left knows it has a powerful
cannon with this bigot stuff."
He clears his throat and coughs a little.
O'REILLY
Sorry. Losing my voice. Anyway, that's mostly
it. There's about a paragraph more about
liberal states allowing it and conservative
states not and how we're less united than we
used to be, but that's really it. So there!
He gestures triumphantly with the phone at Savage, who has drifted into morose thought. O'Reilly is impatient.
O'REILLY
See? That's what I think!
END OF ACT THREE
TO BE CONTINUED!
