Whass So New about It?!?

OK. I know what you're waiting for. Every New Years Eve, I work myself into a drunken fit of histrionic rage n' sorrow. I snivel and snarl about how awful everyone is, what bastard I am, what a terrible year it was, and how an even more abominable terrible year is stretched out in front of us. I spend half the time moaning about how bad things are in the World Out There and the other half of the time droning about how alienated I feel. Then I end everything on some terminally bitter note, and that is the last thing I remember before waking up 10 days later, lying on a beach near Coney Island, with a filthy party hat on, a disastrous headache and a mouth that’s drier than Bea Arthur's...uh...skin.

Well this year, I'm not gonna do that. Nope. For one thing, I already got all my seasonal passion outta the way in my Xmas entry. For another, I promised I'd put 2006 In Review Playlist up here, so I can't get bitter and drunk and fall a coal dark oblivion. Yet.

You'll find the list at the end of this entry in case you wanna skip ahead. But in the meantime, I gotta tell you about The Most Important Reason why I’m not gonna go back and forth bitching about the world and then myself. See, contrary to the feelings I’ve expressed in past New Years entries, I decided to make a resolution for 2007!!! I resolve to be more efficient. And I'm gonna get started on that right away. Like I said, I’m not gonna alternate back n’ forth complaining about the world one minute and then my life the next. Instead, I’m gonna complain about the world and my life at the same time, in an orderly and expedient fashion, through a side-by-side comparison! First I’ll list a World Event from 2006, and then I’ll list something that happened to me in 2006. And to keep myself under control, I’ll stick to only 15 items on each side.

Boy oh boy I’m so excited! I can’t wait! Here goes:

In 2006:

*************************

1. Iran and North Korea continued to develop nuclear power programs, despite intense international pressure.

1. I got a new effects pedal for my guitar, despite my neighbors' complaints about the noise.

2. As sectarian violence in Iraq led to growing concerns about a civil war, many experts and international leaders, including our president, acknowledged that a new approach at establishing a functioning Iraqi state might be needed.

2. After years of vicious arguing, my ex-girlfriend is considering divorcing her husband.

3. President Bush has said that it is not currently possible to set an exit date for American troops in Iraq.

3. My TV died a couple of weeks ago, and the company that's supposed to deliver the new one keeps changing the scheduled date and time to drop it off.

4. After decades, astronomers changed the classification of Pluto from planet to dwarf planet.

4. After years of being told by many women that I was abnormally well-endowed, a disgruntled hooker said that my penis was really, really small.

5. Actor Tom Cruise continued an ongoing spree of bizarre Scientological hijinks. Highlights included denying his collusion in the canceling of a South Park episode, finally wedding coltish Dawson's Creek alum Katie Holmes, (after holding her prisoner for many months,) fathering a freakishly hirsute baby, and apologizing to Brooke Shields for last year's unprovoked attack.

5. My creepy neighbors, who were involved with a battery of cultish organizations ranging from the Raelians to Landmark Industries—maybe even to Scientology—finally moved out. Highlights of their tenure next door included trying to set me up w/ their insane, alcoholic babysitter after firing her; holding noisy interpretive dance parties at their apartment, (I always said I was busy;) passing along nude "art" photos to myself and all their other neighbors, because they wanted to share their love with the world; and constantly badgering me to go with them to various meetings and seminars that would help answer all of my doubts and maximize my happiness and potential as a living being, all of which, make Tom Cruise sound pretty sane after all.

6. Efforts to restore the areas devastated by Hurricane Katrina continued throughout the year.

6. I still haven't finished cleaning up my apartment after my annual Arbor Day party.

7. Starting on Labor Day and lasting through most of September, the Day Fire, one of the worst wild fires in local history, raged across southern California.

7. I developed a case of gonorrhea. It burnt like hell for days.

8. The Chicago Cubs finished 2006 season with a 66-96 record, the worst in the National League.

8. The Chicago Cubs finished an embarrassing and depressing 2006 season with a 66-96 record, the worst in the National League.

9. A series of bigoted meltdowns among public figures highlighted current cultural tensions. Mel Gibson drunkenly ranted about Jewish conspiracies, Senator George Allen of Virginia repeatedly referred to an opposing Indian American campaign worker as "Macaca," and Pope Benedict ambiguously cited Islam's commitment to “hatred.” Most recently beloved TV actor Michael Richards singled out audience members during a standup routine, repeatedly yelling that they were "niggers."

9. One evening last summer, I was driving on I-90. I was whacked. I'd driven all the fuck the way out to Winnetka to meet a client who wanted me to follow his daughter and find out if she was doing drugs. The traffic was a bitch on the way home. A lot of the cars had their windows rolled down because it was so fucking hot, and this guy in a Hummer started yelling at the cab in front of him for cutting him off. (Like it mattered much. The traffic was moving at about the pace of a glop of phlegm sliding down a concrete wall in mid-January.) He called the cabbie a "towel head."

Then when I was waiting in line at White Hen, after the gay man in front of me left, the Pakistani guy behind the counter went into a monologue about the "faggots" and how where he came from people didn't walk around being all gay in public like that. He told me to have a good night. I didn't say a word back.

I headed back to my apartment. It was 11 p.m., and a re-run of Seinfeld was on—the one where Kramer is dating this African American woman and falls asleep in a tanning booth. All of the characters are really offended and/or embarrassed, because they think Kramer is trying to look like he’s black. Then I thought of that Seinfeld with the Puerto Rico day parade and of how much I like Ice-T and Ice Cube and of how I always laugh at that part in Airplane! where the two guys speak "jive", and I found that I was in a shitty mood.

So I opened a beer and put in some porn, but then I started worrying about how it might be exploiting the women and/or men in it and how some of them were prob. underage drug addicts that had been roped into doing porn, which brought me full circle to the case I was working on. Which is funny because then I put on some anime and drank too much and overslept and almost didn't catch up with my client’s daughter, so I could follow her around and see what she was doing that day and whether it involved drugs.

10. Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, died in a bizarre incident in which a stingray stung him to death. (Who didn't see that coming?) There was mourning all across Australia and endless hours of TV coverage, (for some reason,) which told us how much he loved animals and how he died the way that he lived, surrounded by them, which would've made him happy.

10. My beloved female acquaintance, who works as a dog walker, is always surrounded by dogs. One day, this Chow-mix dog that she'd been walking for a while, and who had had no problems with her up to that point, attacked her. (Who didn't see that coming?) The dog seriously fucked up her leg and hip. She prob. should have gotten stitches. But you can be comforted by the fact that she continues to walk dogs to this day, surrounded by them as always, and that she got some really nice severance pay after letting this dog go as a client.

11. After intense legal pressure from GreenPeace, the United States Department of the Interior proposed adding polar bears to its Endangered Species list. Their populations are decreasing at an alarming rate, due largely to the continued dwindling of their polar habitat.

11. I had to stop downloading music, because my hard drive is nearly full.

12. A Danish newspaper cartoon that depicted the prophet Muhammad as a terrorist caused outrage throughout the Islamic world, intensifying cultural tensions in the Middle East and beyond. Aside from the perceived bigotry of the cartoon, some Islamic denominations were offended because they believe that no pictorial images of Muhammad of any kind should be produced.

12. My parents were offended by my blog when they stumbled onto it online. Their reaction intensified our already severe alienation. Not only did they object to all the explicit sexual stuff, they were pissed that I'd made any references to familial subjects.

13. While hunting, Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a friend in the face.

13. While drinking, I accidentally shot a friend in the face.

14. A scandal erupted in congress, when it was revealed that Florida Representative Mark Foley had sent obscene email and instant messages to a 16-year-old congressional page.

14. My ex-neighbors' creepy, alcoholic nanny (see #5 above) keeps leaving lurid notes taped to my door.

15. Grandiose personal arrogance—e.g. blogging, MySpace—and the democratic sharing of misinformation—e.g.Wikipedia and MeTV—flourished on the internet.

15. Pretty cool blog here, eh?

How ‘bout that? Whazzat you say? My consideration of the events of 2006 is pretty shallow? OK let’s try a different approach. We’ll compare world affairs w/ moments from my life in 2006 again, but this time, to get a little more in depth, well pick only one topic from the news of the day: the Middle East peace process.

OK. Same format then. Here goes:

The Middle East

(I live in the mid-West)

*************************

1. Hamas, the most powerful Palestinian political party, refused to recognize the state of Israel or to renounce violence, despite international sanctions that have absolutely destroyed the already abysmal standard of living of Palestinian civilians.

1. Despite the fact that I always hold the door for him, my next door neighbor continues to act like he doesn't recognize me whenever I run into him in the elevator or lobby of my building.

2. The Israeli government announced that, despite universal protest—even the U.S. chimed in on this one!—it would relocate displaced Gazan settlers in new settlements in the West Bank. These would be the first new blocks of settlements in years. New settlements are strictly prohibited by the so-called "roadmap" to peace that is accepted as the backbone of Israeli-Palestinian negotiations.

2. Despite various efforts in the local community, construction began on a new yuppie condo building, right next door to the converted loft I live in. This is the first new construction in this historic but grungy area in decades. It's made parking and navigating a bitch, and it's fucking noisy.

3. Israeli soldiers were taken prisoner and then held w/in Gaza and Lebanon in two separate incidents.

3. I had to attend a wedding AND a seasonal holiday gathering.

4. Through major incursions into Lebanon and the Gaza strip, Israel sought the release of its soldiers and an end to rocket attacks by militant groups.

4. In an attempt to pass the time and to avoid talking to anyone, I got stinking drunk at both events.

5. Despite intense violence, the destruction of property, and the loss of civilian lives on both sides of the conflict, Israeli forces fell back without achieving the release of the soldiers who were being held prisoner.

5. At the holiday shindig, I drunkenly hit on an old friend's wife. At the wedding, I spilled wine on the bride's white dress and then noisily heckled the DJ. However, I managed to avoid puking at both events.

6. The perceived failure of the excursion into Lebanon damaged the public image of Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and of the Kadima party recently founded by his predecessor Ariel Sharon, who remains in a coma.

6. I acted like an ass at both events, including dancing around w/ a lamp shade on my head, which, I know is a cliché, but at the time, seemed funny to me because it was such a cliché. Now my family won't speak to me, esp. my dad, but that's just as well, because they're all clench-sphinctered time bombs anyway.

7. Israeli human rights group B'Tselem, which monitors the occupied territories, reports that 660 Palestinians were killed in Israeli operations in 2006, three times more than in 2005. The group has said that at least 322 had taken no part in hostile activities, and that 141 of the casualties were children.

7. This isn't funny anymore.

Ha ha, ahem, yes, well, now that that's out of the way, here is my end of the year playlist!

I kept it under 80 minutes, so you could burn the mix to a CD, if you care to track all the stuff down and want to see how it flows. A little playlist I like to call…

A Cat in a Bag:

1. This Train - Bob Marley & the Wailers - from One Love at Studio One, a compilation of very early Wailers music—before they’d been groomed and polished. This music sounds very alive, very earnest and very beautiful to me.

2. Kyle's Mom's a Bitch - Eric Cartman - from the original soundtrack of South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut; not only is this just a lotta dumb fun on a grand scale—they got a small orchestra to do this song for Chrissakes—I think it perfectly captures how clever, if childish, a ten year old kid can be. (Cartman is supposed to be 10.)

3. Christian Brothers - Elliot Smith - from his first, self-titled album of very skeletal but powerful songs. Elliot Smith gets so close to some of the things I feel and that I've experienced that it's both comforting and scary. Sometimes he expresses my own thoughts better than I could myself.

4. Myself When I Am Real - Charles Mingus - from Mingus Plays Piano. Though he's generally acknowledged to be one of the great composers, bass players and band leaders of twentieth century jazz, you don't really think of Mingus playing piano, do you? A review I read said something like “a rare opportunity to hear one of the great minds of jazz stretching out and relaxing,” which to me, seems sorta like damning the album w/ faint praise. There are better Mingus albums. Easily. But his music is always emotionally powerful. And this song, anyway, kicks ass.

5. You Think You're a Man - The Vaselines - from The Way of the Vaselines. OK, time to kick up the tempo a little. The Vaselines music takes the sloppy force of early Velvet Underground music and joins it to something like pure, unsophisticated joy. Here they're covering an old Divine song, which makes things even more fun/surreal.

6. The Drugs Don't Work - The Verve - from Urban Hymns, their final album, which featured their hit, "Bittersweet Symphony.” It’s a thin line between moving and histrionic. The Verve can be a little overwrought. Even in an otherwise potent Stones-like ballad like this one, some beautiful vocal harmonies and an overall moving feeling clash with lyrics like: "Like a cat in a bag/ Waiting to drown/This time I'm comin' down." But then, hey, sometimes that's how you feel. And besides, isn't most great pop music sorta operatic?

7. King Porter Stomp - Jellyroll Morton - from an exhaustive box set that includes the complete set of recordings Morton made for the Library of Congress, liner notes and a biography. My dad gave this to me. Some of the best recordings here include talking and playing. Morton will explain how a classic jazz tune evolved from local folk music. Or he'll just tell a tall tale about some whorehouse he played in back in the 20s. He claims to have invented jazz. I don't know about that, but this song is pretty great.

8. Laser Life - The Blood Brothers - from the album Young Machetes, which came out this fall. Usually, I close the polls for my End of the Year Playlist on my birthday, November 3rd. (In case you're shopping for me.) I spend way too much time thinking about what I'm going to put on it—and, even worse, what order the songs should go in. But something special happened this year: I found out that guitar-based rock isn't dead! It's survived off in some corner where the Blood Brothers have been preserving it, as though they were monks during the Dark Ages. I had to put this song on here because Young Machetes offered me an uncharacteristic moment of optimism re: the future. The future of rock n' roll anyway. That seems sorta appropriate at the threshold of a new year.

9. Gossip Folks - Missy Elliott - from the album Under Construction. A beloved female acquaintance, who listens to the radio—for some reason—got sick of listening to me complain about how, not only did someone kill rock n' roll, but someone also seems to've flayed and bled hip hop! She told me to shut the hell up and buy some Missy Elliott. Immediately. I did. She's right. Who knew that they were still making hip hop the old fashioned way—with feeling and invention and a little bit of humor?

10. Come Down Easy – Spacemen 3 - from The Perfect Prescription. You're right. I've been listening to way too many druggy British bands from the 80s lately. I not only allowed Spacemen 3 a spot alongside the Verve this year, I put 'em in last year's list as well! But at least I avoided the lengthy drones these guys often indulge in and stuck to actual songs. I really like this utterly catchy one, 'tho the thought of some pale British stoner "shakin' it" is more than a little disturbing.

11. Highway to Hell - AC/DC - Spy magazine once cited "mentioning rock" as one of the most embarrassing things you could do in a rock n roll song. They were kidding, but if that were true, AC/DC would have faces redder than the ketchup I like to drown my cheeseburgers in. And truth be told, they used to embarrass me. For far more of my youth than I care to remember, I looked down on bands like AC/DC. They felt like the musical equivalent of a drunken but good-natured friend who's always knocking over the dip or drooling on the hostess of an otherwise low-key party. And older and wiser, I now know that is a good thing! So they could go on a playlist for any year, but they deserved a special place here, because I finally replaced my old copy of Highway to Hell that was in such bad shape that I never listened to it.

12. Soul on Fire - Lavern Baker - That's what happens when you're on the Highway to Hell. This song is from the compilation Soul on Fire: The Best of Lavern Baker. I love Lavern Baker! I really need to pick up more of her stuff. In the meantime, I've got this song, which packs enough of a punch to leave me reeling. She's got that huge, sexy voice. She almost doesn't need a band to go with her. This song accompanies the infamous love scene in Angel Heart, one of my favorite movies. That's where I ran across it.

13. Amen - Bardo Pond - from Bufo Alvarius/Amen 29:15. That album title is a warning of sorts. "Amen" is 29:15 long. So settle in and enjoy it. Or stop the disc. Or whatever. See, the thing is I listen to a lot of lengthy songs, and I never put them on lists like this, because I am scrambling to fit as many songs as possible. That would’ve given a disingenuous view of where I was at musically this year. So I decided to include a longer song that I really enjoyed in 2006. I like to just lose myself in the droning and the feedback and that weird eerie vocal part. I love the way the waves of sound mutate gradually, so that you don't notice that you're moving but you still end up somewhere else.

OK that's my list. A few quick honorable mentions that I couldn't quite fit: "Make Me a Pallet" from that Jellyroll Morton set, wherein telling a beautifully sung musical story about cheatin' lovers, he uses language that would've made Richard Pryor blush. An analogous bit would've been chapter 9 of R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet. R. Kelly is no Jellyroll Morton, and his music is really kinda awful, but I think that's the thing: it's so bad that it's freakin' hilarious.

I listened to a lotta Pink Floyd, including—gasp—The Wall. I hope I can exonerate myself by saying that I was learning to play stuff on the guitar, so it was more of a dispassionate learning exercise than it was a personal groovin' thang. I also listened to Meddle, and I don't feel to bad about that, because that record kicks ass. I learned to play "Fearless," which I would've liked to've fit here, and the solo from "Comfortably Numb," which you can, of course, find by tuning your radio to a classic rock station and waiting for 20 minutes.

Also deserving a nod: the young band Mastodon makes some pretty serious metal-type noise, and Chicago alt-rocker Bobby Conn made a bitter, hilarious record about the war in Iraq. But there might be room for these on next year's list. Anyway, they give me more hope for pop/rock in '07. Who knows? If this keeps up, I may turn into the new Dick Clark!

Happy New Year...