Gettin' over the Hump

I'd estimate that we were about an eighth of a mile away from the lava when we watched it empty into the sea. We wanted to get closer, but I didn't realize how far Stefan was planning to go. I'm not sure if he believed he'd told me, as seemed to be the case with so many other things, or if he'd just been drawn in in the same manner that I was myself. I think we were all surprised by how far we went in terms of common sense.

The shadows were heavier and laced with sunset pink. They had already absorbed some of the lava plain's features. It wasn't really dark, but flashing lights in the distance stood out clearly. They were sawhorses, of all ridiculous things. The rope guideline was tied to them, and I found myself eager to get close to them, if for no other reason than to see if they bore Dept. of Public Works stamps. You could follow their course for as far as you could see up the mountain, but it was difficult to tell what might lay next to the most distant marks.

The air was changing along w/ the light. It was cooler, but not so much so that I put on the light rain jacket I'd brought w/ me. Earlier, Stefan had asked me if I'd thought to bring a coat. Good intentions, but obnoxiously patronizing behavior. For easy access, and to look like a Bill & Ted-style moron, I kept the jacket tied around my waist. That night, I never used it.

so then we started humping across the lava. except for but then we were hum-ping the lava. see i took a sharp piece a hardened lava and i hit it against the sheet ofd dried lava i was walking on? see? and i made this hole. and but then i unzipped my pants and dropped em n my drawers all down around my ankles see? and then i mounted the lava and started humping. sorta like prince when he humps the stage when he's doing darling nikki" in purple rain. you know, humping the ground or whatever you are standing (or R standing as Prince would put it) and/or walking around on. and i did that including yanking on my foot to get more traction like he does and pretty much that was a bad idea cuz i broke too far thru the lava sheet down to some live lava. it smelt like burnt pubic hair and extract of nightshade. and my dick burnt off and my balls and most of my pelvis and now i kinda roll more thAN WALK which makes me look sorta like the Tarman. remember? from return of the living dead? in fact i thoughta that almost right awa when they were walking me back toi the car so i could got to the e.r. cuz i noticed the lope, see? and plus i was all charred and bloody so i almost kinda looked like him that way too cept for not being a skeleton. and so when i wasn't screaming or falling down n writhing onna ground? see? well at these times i'd pretend i was the Tarman from return of the living dead, and i'd go 'more brains' and try to sound all gurgly as 'tho i had a buncha rotted mulch in my thnroat, but it really came across more like shrieky, like, say, i'd just burnt my dick off by fucking lava. see? well and but so i thought it was hilarious, buyt these kraut assholes with me didn't even crack a s,mile. and so i started thinking that maybe they haddn't even seen retun of the living dead!!!! which, how stupid is that? huh??? german people are all into death & pestilence, right, and these fuckers hadn't even see that movie which like is one of the best contemplations of the horrors of our mortality. the way of all flesh. (and i ain't tralkin about it gettin packed into the gaping clapped out cunt of one ms. l phair. nope.) see the thing is that altho' german people are all into death n' pestilence, they R snobs. they think they're betterf than other people--thus this "master race" plip plop they're all into. they've tried to distance themselves from it, sure. ytou'd do the same thing if not only the u.s. and the u.s.s.r. were occupying yr. capitola city for like decades, but the u.k. n' france too. how emnbarrassing woiuld that be? so see you'd do anything to make people think you weren't thinking germans weren't superior to everyone else. but like they're the one's who're most into ALL that "conceptual" and "performance" art. like hoiw in the movies whenever there's that sort art--like?!--well, like then, there's almost always some kraut flitting about eatin' canape at some gallery opening, isn't there? usually they're not even the artist, just some snobby asshole who's judging the work of the various charlatans who try to tell ya that soup cans (or soupcons for that matter) are fucking art. those people (the phony "artists"--more like fartists---hahahahahahahahahahahahzah--not the asshole germans, but just you wait i'll get back to their sausage suckin nature in jussa sec) well they R a disgrace cuz when yr hardearned tax dollar is being partitioned, some of it goes to something called the NEA. i just found out about it. i thought it was like NWA--you know just some "rappers" w/ a pottymouthed moniker that hadda be abbreviated thius making them seem more rebellious and mysterious. well i still don't know what it really stands for. nobody would tell me when i asked em. well this thing sucks off part a yr tax dollar like it was liz phair in one of those vaccuum tank thing so like she'd have xtra suckin power except she still wouldn't suck as much as a stanley kubrick movie or russell banks book or song offa the 2nd reputation record) well it sux yr. dollar off and then part of the federal dental dam that yr. tax dollar ejaculates into? well parta that's this nea thing and oh yeah i arreddy sed that well it sux its part of and then spits it into various organizations that support the arts. (it doesn't use a dental dam, but it still won't swallow.) like frinstance this one time? the nea gave $$$$$$$$ to this place that hadda exhibition where some art student who went to the same place i went to film school. i guess. well where he putta crucifix inna disha pee pee or something like that and people got all mad, cuz i mean wouldn't you? that's not art= i couldsa come up w/ that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why doont the nea give me $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$???????????????????????? then i'd make some art.

and plus it's in bad taste. i mean the crucifix. that's in bad taste. the crucifix.
i mean, it's in a bad tasting medium. (and by medium, i do not refer to the artistic "form" of expression being utilized to convey meaning to its audience, but rather the fluid medium, i mean the pee pee and also not john edwards or miss cleo or madam blavatsky. weellll see i mean the crucifix is in bad taste. cuz it's in the disha pee pee. and that stuff tastes bad. (nothin like lemonade despite wht that pome sez) & see i know cuz i tried it and i don't just mean i drank some pee pee, cuzza who hazn't???? (u no u did 1nce. prince tole me.) i went to that very show and I drank the pee pee. alluva it and this "artist" got mad, and i think he should be grateful cuz all these other people swere mad and at least i'd cleaned the whole thing up. i even mad sure the crucuifix was good and clean by putting it in my mouth and bobbing my head up and down for a few minutes. it tasted bad, but was very polite about not comin' in my mouth which is good cuz i don't use a dental dam and i do swalllow which then can mean i get sick and hafta have my stomach pumpoed. like rod stewart.


that's why german people are snobs.

so they think they're above jhorror movies i bet becuz even tho they're into death n' petilence a shit, they think they're too superior.
so they didn't get my tarman joke and just kept screaming and barfing and trying to hold me up while i walked sorta like the tarman alla way down that long line of cars to where we parked earlier. so i wuz pisst that they didn't get the joke and then i remembered how tarman bites into that misfits fan's scalp thus producing all sorta arterial spraying and i wonderede how ez it would be to do that in real life--actually i wondered that b4 once or twice when i watched it. see? esp. cuz his jaws would be rotten and like how good were his teeth? they looked ok in the closeups but you never get to look at him very long prob. cuz he's 1 more prima donna asshole famous actor. like larry bud melman or thaty dog who plays scobby doo. bet he's a asshole. well anyway they make this big deal. in the movie? about how hardly no one dies w/ perfect teeth. so you had to wonder about that w/ the tarman.

so i guess it's pretty obvious what happened then. i seized stefan and tried to bite through his scalp. jusat to see how ez it was. and here's more proof that german people suck. he pushed me and i almost fell. and he said "don't do that. i know tarman does that in the movie, but it isn't that easy to do in reAL LIFE. i tried."



so he did see return of the living dead. i was wrong about that, but obviously i wasn't wrong about him being a superior fuck becuz he was telling me what to do and acting like he knew more than me. so i made sure i bled on him even more than i woulda otherwise. on the way to the hospital.



so the moral to the story is its ok to hump across lava but don't get confused or enticed by the word hiump enuff to fuck the lava or it will burn yr dick off. (i haven't done enough field work yet to say if fucking lava is bad if u r a girl, so if any enterprising female who's screwed some lava would like to send me some data i could coalate i'd think that was very neighborly of her. i realize see BTW that fucking lava might be mechanically different if u were a woman, but unless you had a strap on to fuck the lava with. but i did try shoving a long spur of lavaq up my ass figuring it would at least give me somew sense of what it would be like to fuck lava the way i presume a woman would??? and well i guess i picked a pieca poo ooo ooo, which is too brittle (insteada aah aah aah which is more solid) cuz it shattered inside my butt and then i hadda poo oo oo it out and that hurt bad.

(p.S. My fakkt-chekker tellz me that the correct terms for these types of lava are pahoepahoe, pronounced "pe-hoo-eh-hoo-eh," & a'a, pronounced "ah-ah." so you mite B able 2 understand my confusion here. I apologize fur NE inconvenience I may have caused yew...)


(p.p.s. (huh huh: "p.p.") Happy Halloween!!!)

neway back to that walk on the lava. minus the fucking part...