Letter Rip!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey!

Since I've been held up w/ work and unable to get a new (almost completed) entry up, I thought I could at least give you a little somethin' to while away these bitter hours that separate us...

For years, I've been receiving all sortsa fascinating correpondence from you readers. And now I'd like to share some of it w/ you all. Send away those ltters! I'll respond to them publicly here in an occasional "letters page!"

Before I send 'em out atcha, I'd like to request that any of you guys who have an idea for a title for said letter page, please lemme know. You know, like they always had in comic books--or maybe you're too cool to've read comic books. If so, think of "Penthouse Forum." That sounds way cooler and has far greater mythic resonance than just "letter page" or whatever. Here goes...

Dear Steve Forceman, P.I.,

I am a big fan. I am 11 years old, and my favorite entry is the one about Harold Washington, especially the part about Bones and Spock. Could you talk to Harold Washington again? I enjoyed it.

Your Number 1 Fan,

Shiva in Delaware

Dear Shiva,

What a lovely charming name you have! It destroyed my heart with warm ooey-gooeyness. Boy, do I ever love kids!!!!!!!!

That being said... Look, kid. Get over yourself. I'm not gonna write about something just 'cuz yr. spoiled ass wants to read it! You better get hip to life now. It sucks!

I hope you understand that I say this outta nothin' butt tough luv. Actually. That's not true. I don't want to patronize you. Children are more savvy than we know, I think. They're also more annoying than any of us will ever admit.

No. No. No. I will never ever write about Harold Washington again! Ever. I might've. ('Tho I get tired of all the requests for a sequel, which would, of course, ruin the original.) Butt now I'm not gonna, just to teach you a bitter, bitter lesson about the disappointment of the Adult World, Shiva. Sorry, but you brought it on yourself.

Steve Forceman, P.I.

Dear soon-to-be-dead-cocksucker

if men have little holes in there nipples, I'd brake off a peace of glass and shove it in your's and cut your boobs open. Then ID punch in you're face and bark at the moon. That'd show you. Except for but that it wouldn't. You'd be dead, so nobody could show you anything--except for maybe Charon, the demon captain of his own dingee that fairies you across to the netherworld wherst cold Persephone sits next tohorrid-visaged Hades on her hard, granite throne. Charon could show you you're seat on that fairy, and awy you'd go and it would serve you right becAuse you are a pin dick.

bill in AG.

Dear Reader,

We would like to thank you for your correspondence. Unfortunately, it does not meet our present needs. As you may know, the sheer number of messages we receive make it impossible for us to accept or even comment directly on most of them, even those that otherwise show considerable merit. We hope that you'll consider us for future submissions and wish you the best of luck in placing this piece elsewhere.

Sincerely,

Steve Forceman, P.I.

Dear Steve Forceman P.I.,

Long time reader here. I was wondering what your take is on the contrasting dogmas of gnosticism and manicheinism. I'm often struck by the differing views of physical material. Also--if you don't mind one more--how, if in any way, do you think zorastrisism forecasted some of the cultural aspects of Islam?

Thanks much.

Nancy Hardee

Dear Nancy,

Many are confused by the complex issues yo've conjured--largely because, like you, they have directed their querying intellects in the wrong direction. Look inward, Nancy! Fear not the gnostics (SP?) but rather the whirling maelstrom of material confusion. Know thyself!

Dear Steve-O,

Quit making fun of my books, fucker. Do you know who I am? Do you know how easy it'd be for me to get you 'disappeared?'

Signed,

Mad at You in Maine

Dear Ma'am,

I'm sorry that I ridiculed yr. books--'tho I don't remember doing so. Nor do I know who you are or to what books you're referring! One bit of advice 'tho: if you want people to take yr. literary work seriously, you might wanna think more carefully about yr. grammar. "Disappear" is an intransitive verb, therefore it cannot refer to a direct object. (In this case, me.)

Me personally, I could give a rat's ass. I use bad grammar alla time, except for when I'm sex talkin' myslf whilst jerkin' off. Then I go um oh, in which orifice would you like me to insert this doingy little mass of meat loaf? Butt otherwise? I like shitty grammar, and I read alotta people who found a way to make their linguistic laziness seem cool, by virtue of the fact that it was supposedly striking down the stodginess of trad. lit. Goooooo counter culture!!! Hoo! Ray!!!! I mean lazy fucks like Hunter Thompson, Henry Miller, Charles Bukowski, William Burroughs, and of course, John Updike!!!!! These dudes made language sing and live again--like medieval bards or blind Greek poets--y'know? The verbal tradition? That's livin' language!!! Or at the very least, it's a good way of rationalizing yr. ineptitude! I do it alla time. Look into it, Ma'am!!! There may just be hope for you yet!!!!

Good luck and good writin' to ya!!!!

Dear Steve Forceman, P.I.,

I'd walk a mile to smoke a Camel, butt I'd walk 500 miles (just like that groovy Proclaimers band w/ those 2 creepy egghead twin guys in it) to smoke yr. lil' wigglee dik. Really. Call me at...

[NUMBER WITHHELD IN THE INTEREST OF MY GETTIN' TO THIS HORNY GEYSER BEFORE ANY OF YOU ASSHOLES DO. HOLD MY CALLS TILL THE NEXT ENTRY.]

Steve Forceman, P.I.