I could tell you what my resolutions are gonna be, but the only 1 I've been able to come up w/ so far is to avoid making resolutions. Oh yeah... and to refrain from end-of-the-year list making. It's just as well. They're already starting to pile up out there, on the airwaves in print and all over the internet. There'll be about a million of 'em bombarding you from every direction by tomorrow morning. So why should I add to your boredom and suspicions that you are just one more unit of surplus humanity, headed for the big landfill some time pretty soon? Ah waste! It's just pilin' up everywhere...
But that's not what we're here to talk about. We're here to talk about New Year's Eve. Speaking of depressing, the truly grim & truly depressing realities of the World Out There kinda make yr. typical “Best Of” lists seem a bit superfluous, don't they? But I hope you'll forgive a moment's weakness, as I step aside from our usual program of Celebrity Death, Sodomy & Humiliation fantasies to be momentarily earnest. (Seriously, I apologize & promise it will never happen again, if I can control it.)
I mean, what are we gonna list here, Best Geopolitical Failure of the Year? Too many choices. I guess if you put a gun to my head, (please, please, please! someone! do it!) I'd hafta go w/ the he continuing elephant in the room, (which, by the way, I'm ready to shoot w/ my, uh, elephant gun, thereby making my contribution to the extinction of these noble, but politically suspect beasts. Fuckin' Republicans!) That little matter that nooonnne of us wants to look at... The winner is... Africa!!!! That's right: continuing its unbroken streak, the entire continent of Africa wins again! Armed militias rapin' and killin', rampant HIV infections!!! Ha ha! It's pretty kooky over there!
Screw all that social responsibility shit 'tho. It's pointless—nothing’s gonna change no matter how much effort you put into it. At least, that's what I hear—and from wiser beings than myself. So I'm pretty comfortable spending my time looking for the Best Entertainments.
But wait, and this is another reason why I'm giving up on the list-making thing. Even in terms of popular culture, it's difficult to make a "Best Of" list for 2005, because nothing was the best! Nothing can be the best, when nothing is worth mentioning. Unfortunately, thanks to the goddamn dictionary, we're stuck w/ the depressing premise that things have to be good in order to be "The Best." (Gimme clemency & a wood-chipper, and there'd be a lotta pulped dictionaries gettin' heaped on that landfill I spoke of earlier—not to mention the exhumed n' diced remains of one Noah Webster.)
When I tried to come up w/ a Best New Movie of 2005, I realized there were no good movies released in 2005. Well, no new ones anyway. Best Restoration of the Year goes to... Vertigo!!! It was pretty great, but it's kinda disheartening when the only movie that makes you wanna crawl into a theater or glance at the "New Releases" section of yr. local video parlor, is 50 years old & you've seen it around 2005 times already.
What else? Oh, I know! Best Baseball Team of the Year... Hmmm... The Chicago White Sox? HAHAHAHA!!! Stop! My stomach hurts!!! I'm gonna piss my pants!!! Ahuh...hooo...
But seriously, what was the Best Baseball Team of the Year?
Speaking of baseball, I can definitely tell you who gave the Best Impersonation of Judas by a Major Athlete in 2005... Johnny Damon!!! It's a distinction that would seem more appropriate to the Easter season—but Xmas, Easter—whassa difference?
Best Musical Album of the Year? I'm sure all my guitar-n-drum loving fellow garage/punk travelers will be really disappointed in me for choosing the chilly synth-pop of Ladytron's new one Witching Hour, but I'd maintain that you're missing out if you write off everything w/ a synthesizer in it. Most of the time, they get saddled w/ the uber-hip Euro-trash label, which is not entirely inaccurate. But as much as any band out there right now, they nail how emotionally impacted a lot of us have become in the good ol' post-millennial West. And what else is goin' on in these parts these days anyway? Paranoia? That's so 5 years ago!
P.S. Don't worry, my rawk friends! I still love the garage n' the fritzed out amp, but I ask you: Was there one decent new rock release this year? Huh? And no fair countin' remastered Iggy albums. (Last time I checked, The Stooges records were good because they sounded like shit, not in spite of it!) And if you say something about the White Stripes being "garage rock," I'm either gonna kill you or me. (I'm not sure which. Maybe we could do one of those double suicide things?)
Hate to be shallow, but about the only thing The White Stripes got goin' for 'em is Meg's rack. (Jack's gonna burn out the good will of his celebrity friends annnny minute now. Just you wait & see.)
And here's a thought: if the White Stripes are so "garage," why don't they prove it by going into the garage and sitting in a running car, letting the exhaust fumes accumulate till they expire in a mass of SPF 2005 sunscreen and black hair dye? Works for me! I might have to reassess them then, thus putting them in the running for Best Musical Artists of 2006!
Best book of the year? Can I count my own, recently finished novel The Dildo Force Does The Chick with Braided Pubic Hair? It's an adult erotic adventure, (not pornographic,) shot through w/ romance & suspense, that touches on important contemporary issues like domestic spying (well, voyeurism anyway) & the search for George Clooney's ass. In bookstores now!!! (Remember, it's only a month & a half till Valentines Day, This year, give that Special Someone a really classy gift!)
But hey, Happy New Year! Statistically you are 95% likely to have completed your own Best Of 2005 List already, so now you're free to party!!! But one more thought before I release you to yr. own festivities... Don't worry, it's not from me. Like I said, (& I stole it from Iggy,) I got nothin'. Nope, I'll leave it to good ol’ Lester Bangs:
"Have you ever had a New Year's Eve you enjoyed? Of course not! Why? Because you've persisted in this insane delusion that somehow things are supposed to keep getting better, or that the cyclical nature of the ying-yang means that the earth is supposed to replenish itself or some such horseshit! Horseshit doesn't even replenish itself."
See you in '06...
