By which, I mean to say, that this is not the high qwality product you are used to consuming herebouts.
That's becuz I M drunk n' don't have the presence of mind or bladder to give U what you so sorely need. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy am I drunk U ask?
That's a good question, & I'm glad you asked it, 'tho by askin' it you revealed yourself to be a soulless being from some netherworld that might lie on the south side of Chicago.
I am drunk, because I blew off 37 clients in order to watch 2daze baseball game between yr. 2007 ChiCubs & some rinky dink outfit in Ohio somewhere or other. (I also blew 37 other clients, but what goes on in a public mens room between me n' consentin' adults is none of yr. biz.)
Now. It being Opening Day n' all, I could be drunk in various states, e.g., I could be Mean Drunk, if both the W.Sox n' the Cards won on the same day. And/or I could be sloppy depressed drunk if the Cubs/Tigers/Rays had all lost and the WSux/Cards/Yanks had all won. And I coulda been suicidal drunk AKA dead if the Cubs'd lost n' my mother had called on the phone. (I have the shotgun out, but so far the phone is mercifully, beautifully quiet.) Or I could be happy/lovey drunk if the Cubs/Tigers/Rays had won and someone had found my G spot. Or I could be Lovey Howell drunk if Thurston Howell had performed cunnilingus on me, but that woulda required some surgical &/or occult transformations that are best left undreamt of.
As it turns out, I am equivocally drunk, which is not a bad scenario, all the way around. I'm sure myself and my acquaintances would all agree. Because altho the Cubs/Tigers/Rays all lost miserably, the Blight Sux also ate a big ol' lump uh somethin' or other that you find disguting. (Please supply a horrifically morbid image of yr. own. I M blotto, remember?)
Still N all, I feel obliged to say something about Opening Day, like, say, maybe "Barf!" My friends expect it of me, since, 'tho I am interested in other sports, I am obsessed w/ baseball to a disturbing, pathological degree. During the 2003 NLCS, at the moment of the infamous Bartman Ball non-play, I ate one of my fingers. Then I went out and slaughtered a goat. Then I fuckt it. Then I made sacrifices to both Pan & Hades, cuz' both Greek deities were up close n' personal w/ goats. (I prob. fucked up and shoulda made sacrficies to divinities who hate goats, but, as I'm sure you will agree, sometimes mythoanthropological archetypes get a trifle confusin'.)
So baseball. Yeah, All those other sports are fun and all. But come on. And if you have a soul, you might have a favorite other team, because you have the misfortune of living in, say, Tampa--but you have to root for the Cubs.
I know, they always suck. Sometimes, they fool you, but they always suck. But you always pull for them. Because you are a human being, right? Well, aren't you?
So we have established 2 things: I have to make some sorta comment on today's Season-birthing game, ('tho it suckt,) and that you care what that comment is, deeply and abidingly. I know you do. Really.
Well, for posterity, we should prob. acknowledge the Larger Context of today's game, that being the 2 Very Important stories flyin' in Cubland: Big Z (Carlos Zambrono to you philistines out there--)the most coveted young pitcher in next year's free agent market has indefinitely extended his deadline for negotiating a contract past this season, and the Tribune Co. has said it will sell the franchise after this season.
There. I said it. Gonna be a different scenario next year, I'm sure you will agree. So bear all that in mind as I present my very visceral, ephemeral reactions to today's game. (Don't get greedy--I won't do this every game. Neither my liver nor my pocket book can take it, and besideswhich, it'd cheapen shit, and nobody wants cheap shit, right? This is an Opening Day special.)
Um. Big Z sucked ass. He looked like a quavering lil rodent out there. Not that he doesn't have that problem a lot, when he's off. At least he looked like a feisty rodent. I'm pretty sure he deserves the rumored $80mil/5 year deal. Abidingly. After all, he'll prob. just give it all to starving people in the third world, figuring the millions he's raked in already are more than enough. Probably.
That vaunted bullpen? They looked just as good. In the Bizarro universe.
Cezar Izturis? The guy whose sooper dooper D made up for his universally acknowledged shittiness at the plate. Well, he looked just like character actor Walter Brennan out there. What do I mean by that? Well, I'm not sure. Thanks for embarrassing me by asking that question.
Wow! Perennial firecracker manager Lou Piniella does a spoton impression of recently departed ever-snoozing chief Dusty Baker, doesn't he? Nice to know that he's not gonna shock the players too much, isn't it?
Hmm. If the Cubs ever manage to sign Adam Dunn, who held a personal home run derby against us today, he, Cubs GM Jim Hendry and Cubs 3B Aramis Ramirez could prob. induce the Great Chicago Donut Famine of 2007 or '08 or whenever. I bet.
Radio score-caller whatzizface is doin' just fine in the shoes of recently departed score-caller Andy Mazur. Just so long as he neither tries to fit into my stiletto or step on my blue suede shoes.
Aaron Harang is a damned, damned fine pitcher. I feel sorry for him that he's stuck slummin' his entire career away in a craphole like Cincinatti.
Welp. That's about it. I'm sure I'll have something to say about yr. '07 Cubs down the stretch, but in the meantime, I leave you w/ this:
"I had long ceased to be interested in her contortions; except for the part of me that was in her I was as cool as a cucumber and remote as the Dog Star. It was like a long-distance death message concerning someone whom you had forgotten a long time ago. All I was waiting for was to feel that incredibly aborted explosion of wet stairs which drop back to the floor of the womb like dead snails."
I stole that from Henry Miller. It's a lot more interesting than today's game.
See you at the ball park!!!
