Well well well. Gee wizz. Look at how much time has passed. It’s really hard to believe it’s time again, isn’t it? Time for the Randomly Occurring at No Particular Time ForceBlog™ Awards. (In this case, it’s been 1 year, 5 mos.!!!) This time ‘tho, we’re gonna do something different—mostly since the last go-around rambled on endlessly in an unfocused way, & no one needs more of that shit, am I right?
I mean, the world’s already so rambling and unfocused. I couldn’t make heads nor tails outta the episode of The Munsters I was watching last nite. I think it had something to do w/ Hermann betting Grandpa that he could earn more money between ‘em if each of ’em started a new job—necessitating that Hermann, of course, take on a 2nd job, since he had 1 to begin w/ and didn’t want to lose what had been up to that point a stable source of livelihood for his family and himself, including that argumentative coot standing in front of him at that very moment. And I think Hermann had to get a job as a hooker, for which he hadda wear a silly, wavy blond wig, cuzz it hadda be a nite job so he could keep his day job. And Grandpa got a much better job as a breakdancer in a major Hollywood pitcher. And in the end, Lily has to intervene, of course—‘cuzz she’s the only 1 w/ 1 lick (unnhhh) uv commen cents—and make ‘em cancel the wager becuzz Hermann’s dying from exhaustion from werkin' the 2 jobs, pluss he keeps bloodying the sheets w/ his overused rectum, which actually he kinda enjoys—again, of course—and Grandpa’s job really isn’t going so well, anyway, ‘cuz bein’ a breakdancin’ movie, they keep shooting all these daylight exteriors in high school parking lots or basketball courts, and he’s a vampire and keeps igniting like a human briquette, and then turning into a pile of dust, and then Lily has to reconstitute him from the blood of virgins w/ super-nice racks who run around in those 18th century dresses that have those shoelace things right by a nest of exposed cleavage—and so he’s actually relieved to quit and so is Hermann. (‘Tho he’d rather have kept the night job and lost the day 1, Lily insists otherwise, cuzz her bein’ a vamp n’ all means she’d suffer a fate similar to Grandpa’s occupational foibles, and like then somebuddy’d hafta keep resurrecting her, and the whole thing woulda just gotten really old.)
That was really hard to keep track of. To be fair, I don’t think it helped that I was drinking. Heavily. I’ll admit it. Nor do I think it helped that I kept flipping back and forth between The Munsters and this LifeTime original movie about this girl who runs away and has to dye her hair blond and change her name to Marilyn and become really boring so she can hide out in crack house where she falls in love w/ this hirsute crackhead who’s obsessed, in a self-hating way that leads him to use drugs, w/ his mixed parentage—his dad’s an alien and his mom’s a robot and somehow he ended up being sea monster (w/ hair) and of course that doesn’t make any sense, but there was this really touching moment in the 3rd act, where he decides to go clean, and they both start running around in fast motion w/ wacky music and a laff track goin’. It was pretty great.
But I didn’t understand that either, not a bit. And alla it went on too long. So I’m not gonna do that to you this time. No awards. No nothing. Except a fun but educational test of how much you know about this blog. We’re gonna commemorate the however many years we’ve been doin’ this (don’t remember, sorry) by quizzing you in a wacky sorta way. Just answer the questions below. Then we’ll check your answers at the end and use your score to see what a good reader you’ve been.
OK????? Ready??? Here goes! (And please note that all excerpts below were actually drawn from past installments of this blog.)
1) “…sick, crawling with parasites, freezing, hungry and unable to write a sentence, (which at the time, didn't seem like a very valuable ability anyway). He could hate. He had viscera, and therefore, he had feelings. It was beginning to seem that I did not."
True of False: This excerpt refers to a raccoon
a) false
b) true
c) misguided
d) there are no objective truths or falsehoods; all is but an illusion
e) I thought this was supposed to be a true or false question.
2) Which one of the following excerpts does not refer to Elizabeth Elmore?
a) “In her lyrics, Liz has never been about the other schlub, who’s usually a two-dimensional (one hopes) sketch of a lover. She’s about self –and generally self-pity at that—though she will hit an occasional rest stop for some self-aggrandizement.”
b) “True to form, Elizabeth pulls out all the stops here, as she lets her trembling but stalwart voice cut through crashing piano chords. Man, she works those dynamics till yr. guts are wrenched up like Silly Putty in the hands of a three year old. It’s only later, after you’ve recovered your breath, that you realize that the lyrics are the same old mish-mashed myopia that Elizabeth always ladles out…”
c) “…an exquisite and exquisitely gifted fox who spun excellent pop songs out to her public like so much (admittedly bittersweet) candied floss.”
d) “Let’s face it: I have no standard of comparison for what I see fermenting in Liz’s eyes. In all of my experiences, I’ve encountered nothing like it. Not even at the movies. It’s not an absence. It’s not even an absolute darkness. It’s not exactly feral or dead. It’s alien, but not in any imaginable extraterrestrial way.”
e) “What they miss—and I told 'em this—is yr. sensitive side. Vindictive as those songs may seem, they come from a deep personal pain.”
Who said it?!? (In this blog)
3) Handyman Titus
4) Movie star Charlie Sheen
5) Former Mayor of Chicago Harold Washington
6) Rock star Frank Zappa
7) Lame rock band The 8th Grade.
a) “…my 8th grade English teacher was all into prepositional phrases, obviously. I bet he even fucked ‘em. Yep. Fucked a phrase. That’s what I bet. ‘Tho my shrink has told me on numerous occasions that that is not only physically impossible, but kinda a pathologically weird notion.”
b) "In marsh I do lurk, sometimes it is true, but at least I have a real job, unlike you..."
c) “In the case of the Project/Object, you may find a little poodle over here, a little blow job over there, etc., etc. I am not obsessed by poodles or blow jobs, however…”
d) “…like Christopher Lee, who has everyone fooled into thinking he's still alive, but he really is a vamp since some pissed off vamps came and vamped him. The reason they were pissed, these real vamps, (dude, I mean, the other vamps, not Christopher Lee, who is also a real vamp, but wasn't yet at that point. Am I, like, making sense?) Oh yeah-- the reason these real vamps were pissed... (Do you think real vamps piss blood, I mean from all that blood they drink? Dude, that is so sick! I should ask one of 'em.) "Oh yeah... well these real vamps, (not including Christopher Lee, who wasn't a real vamp yet. Did I already say that?) These real vamps were pissed about the way that Chris, in those old Hammer movies, (man, those things are so cheesy, but you know, kinda cool,) was trivializing vamps in the eyes of the living and thereby setting the cause of Undead rights back, like, 50 years…”
e) “Fuck…”
8) In the entry “Bloggy Mountin’ Breakdown, Part 1” former Cubs a skipper Dusty Baker is fetishistically violated through the use of a cardboard cutout. Which of the following insults is visited on the figure representing him?
a) Darts are thrown at him
b) He gets pissed on
c) African army ants chew on him till he becomes a pasty pulp that is then used to caulk a leaky fluid-expelling dildo
d) He is smashed by a bottle of whiskey
e) a & d
9) Former Cubs catcher Michael Barrett, who is now barely clinging to a backup role as a San Diego Padre, personally acted out a cycle that made it pretty hard not to believe in instant karma. Which of the following did not really happen to Barrett but did happen to him in this blog?
a) He punched White Sox catcher AJ Pierzynski, who’d just slid into home
b) He hit a batboy w/ his face mask
c) He was hit in the nuts by a bad pitch that necessitated scrotal surgery
d) He had the living shit kicked out of him by hulking Cubs starter Carlos Zambrano
e) He got into a near-slap fight w/ squeaky kleen Cubs starter Rich Hill
10) “Her chaste legs guard dried, powdery loins that will never know my passion.” Each of the women listed below appeared in this blog. To which one of them does this passage refer?
a) Betty White
b) Bea Arthur
c) Andy Griffith’s Aunt Bea
d) Princess Lintguard
e) Mrs. Olsen from Little House on the Prairie
Match the celebrity w/ the manner in which she/he was tormented &/or killed:
11) Movie star Patrick Swayze
12) Alf, star of TV’s Alf
13) Jeff Foxworthy, star of TV’s The Jeff Foxworthy Show (et. al.)
14) Shellie Long, co-star of TV’s Cheers
15) William Katt, star of TV’s The Greatest American Hero
a) melted
b) burnt
c) cooked
d) smothered w/ a newspaper
e) castrated
16) Kleef doodle flikflak dirgle sirk deggdorp. Vlilmug fuck asserg plap blap, hzxxjkftr hbdewew rdfiuk klepp bknrugrug. Blip blop?
a) gfhiklcv
b) hjdxdx
c) Meridian, MS.
d) fdsytqq
e) Elizabeth Elmore
Match each of the following critical blurbs to the writer to whom it refers:
17) Breeze through Bamboo, collected poems of Ema Saiko
18) Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace
19) The Nuclear Age by Tim O'Brien
20) The Stand by Stephen King
21) Feeling Good: the New Mood Therapy by Dr. David Burns.
a) "the book is less hip now..."
b) "sprawling but deeply flawed but not quite sucky..."
c) "bloated, sucky... it makes me kinda queasy..."
d) "a literary hunk of dog shit I had the misfortune to step in..."
e) "I have managed to remain corporeal since I read this book..."
Match the phrase to the object, person, or concept it describes:
22) Actor/comedian Adam Sandler.
23) The Joy of Cooking by Julia Child.
24) Niko, my friend from Hawaii.
25) This blog.
26) Contemporary Hollywood movies.
- a) “…pretty tracers and blobs of light, but when you stop to consider them, they've already disappeared. They have little real, lasting significance."
- c) "...he opens his mouth really wide and stares at you in a way you imagine a walleye might open its mouth really wide and stare at you."
27) Elizabeth Elmore leaves a singles bar on Chicago’s Division Street. She’s aggravated by yet another unsuccessful date, (the result of contemporary alienation, of course,) and so is moving quite quickly, (if circuitously due to the influence of recreational spirits). Elizabeth is traveling at approximately 3.15 MPH due northwest toward O’Hare International Airport, from which she will be embarking on a 4:15 AM CST flight to Augusta, ME. to join in an EstroJam on Toast… and the Road “mini-tour.”
At the same time, Sonic Boom leaves a shitty pub, at which he has been both shooting heroin and guzzling bitters in the exclusive backroom, where a bunch of aging Spacemen 3 fans, often fawn on him. Due to the soporific chemistry cooked up through the alcohol and opiates, he is moving very slowly, approximately 4 KMH, in a very circuitous route, w/ frequent stops to stare at a brick wall and/or puke in the London mud. His flight from Heathrow Airport to Chicago, whereat he will be appearing in a Sweaty Pale English Bands of the Late 1980s/Early 1990s Reunion gig, leaves at 7:38 GMT.
Elizabeth is traveling economy class on a crappy 20-seat “puddle jumper” prop plane, which is delayed on the runway for 42 minutes, and the plane is traveling at an average speed of 312 MPH. During the flight, she writes several scathing commentaries on her date—including considerations of his genital measurements and brand of underarm deodorant and the theoretical orientation of his therapist. She writes 1 song every 21 minutes.
Sonic Boom has boarded a classic Boeing 747, which takes off on time, unfortunately serves drinks, which causes Sonic Boom to puke repeatedly, (thus motivating his neighbors to seek new seats,) and travels at a mean speed of 672 MPH.
If, following 18 minutes in the air, Sonic Boom’s episodes of heaving occur every 1.47 hours, and he is barfing for the 7th time at the exact moment their planes pass one another in the air, how many songs will Elizabeth have finished by that time?
Show all your work.
28) Use one of the blog excerpts below to fill in the blank: “…if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my 37 years on this earth, it’s [to/that] ________________”
a) “popular entertainment venerates assholes.”
b) “srgtse”
c) “Even Valhalla must be unpacked.”
d) “Avoid subjects like gerbling or necrophilia unless I have something constructive to say about them.”
e) “Avoid looking at, fantasizing about, making sculptures and/or other artistic renderings of, smelling, licking, devouring, fucking, pissing on, picking my nose and wiping it on, fondling, kissing, writing sonnets and/or light or heavy operas concerning, producing video games or reality TV shows or music videos or documentaries about George Clooney’s ass. Oh yeah—and Western culture also refuses to provide adequate care for its sick and elderly.”
Wasn’t that just the funnest??? Huh!!?!!
OOOOOOOKKKKKKKK…… Let’s get to scorin’!!!! First, here are the correct answers:
1) b
2) d (Gotcha! You thought it was ‘c’ or ‘e’ ‘cuz they didn’t name names! The “Liz” here refers to Liz Phair! Shoulda studied!)
3) b
4) a
5) d
6) c
7) e
8) e
9) b
10) d
11) a
12) b
13) c
14) e
15) d
16) e
17) e
18) b
19) d
20) c
21) a
22) c
23) e
24) b
25) d
26) a
27) 110.369
28) c
‘Kay… So howdja doo? Whazzat? You got 14 & 15 wrong, but you think there was some sorta mistake? Hey, y’know, I’m really disappointed that you’d stoop to that level just to get yourself a better grade. Why do you think Shellie Long is so feminine?
Anyway, now come the fun part. Add up your total number of correct responses.
Now divide that by 69.
Now add this value to yr. IQ. (Don’t know yr. IQ??? Whatta ya, stoopid? OK, well go out & take an IQ test, and when you are done, come back here and we’ll finish scoring this test.)
Now multiply this by the solution to question #27. (Thought you were gonna slip by on that one, eh?)
Now go jerk off. Measure the volume of whatever sorta extrusion you come up w/ in milliliters. Add this to yr. prior total.
You should have a number between 7.1 and 8.4. This is the pH of your neighbor’s saltwater aquarium, wherein he/she keeps 2 Moray Eels named Shithead and Mr. Boogumbuggums. Go knock on his door. If he he/she doesn’t answer, use a crowbar to pry his door open. If he/she does answer, whack him/her w/ the crowbar.
Now piss in the tank. You’ll prob. have to stand on one of his/her green velvet upholstered barstools to do so. Be careful. The floors kinda warped from the weight of the aquarium and the corrosive action of the saltwater.
Now use one of your neighbor’s marine test kits to determine the new pH value and add this to your score. Now throw a toaster in the aquarium. (Your neighbor keeps one on top of the fridge. It’s kinda hard to see.) Don’t forget to plug it in first. If you do so after you toss it in, you might electrocute yourself.
Watch the eels thrash around for a second or 2 before you start to feel bad and yank ‘em out. (You have the presence of mind to use yr. neighbor’s wooden salad tongs that you can find in the dry sink drawer. Otherwise, you and the eels’d be havin’ a ménage a boil.) Throw the eels in the tub.
Now give ‘em mouth-to-mouth, one at a time. (Kinda awkward otherwise ‘Cuz w/ eels, you gotta put their whole snout in yr. mouth, like w/ a baby, and you gotta suck on it a lot, and if you do too much of that, you’ll get turned on and start whacking off (or worse—use yr. imagination here) and you don’t have the time for that at the moment—not if you’re gonna save those eels you harmed, you sadistic asshole!)
Now watch the first eel start to breathe uneasily. Gonna have to wait to toss him in some water—if you can find any that is both salty and relatively un-defiled/polluted/whatever. You gotta resuscitate that 2nd eel 1st.
Ho-kay, get to it! Suck! Oops! Wope! Shit. Kinda hurts the way that eel is hangin’ from your lip like a trailer of drool, don’t it. And worse, he’s piscivorous—the sorta eel that eats fish, primarily, rather than crustaceans. They got real pointy teeth. He could prob. hang there all day, if his teeth hadn’t impaled yr. lip. He couldn’t get loose if he wanted.
Now fall onto the edge of the tub, cracking your skull. Lose consciousness.
Wake up in the back of an ambulance on the way to the hospital. Your driver’s name will be Ernie tonight, and he just ate a liverwurst sandwich, and (of course) he has gas. Ah well…
Your neighbor called the ambulance, saving your life, as your head is ripped open really, really badly. (Not to mention yr. lip, which is not doubt suffering from tertiary infections at least. Eel bites, like the one on yr. now freakishly enlarged and purpled lip, are notoriously prone to infection. All fish bites are bad, but eels gotta really septic thang goin’ on.) Why your neighbor has decided to be so kind is anyone’s guess. If I was him/her, I woulda pissed on you and beaten you w/ yr. own crowbar. How do you like that?
Now, take the number of stitches needed to join the frayed flaps of yr. scalp into some loose knitting, (which still prob. leaves a sliver of yr. skull exposed BTW, that’ll getcha all sortsa prom dates,) multiply it by the number of vomit-inducing horse-pills you will be forced to take over the next month to fight the infection of your lip. (All worth it ‘tho… I hear that Shithead and Mr. Boogumbuggums are expected to live. ‘Tho they will prob. never entirely recover from the misery you have inflicted upon them, eels are particularly resilient as marine fish go. Frequently, they are idiotic/ingenious enough to squeeze outta even tightly aquarium sealed aquariums, causing their owners to wake to the sight of “reef jerky,” i.e., a dried-out eel, which will, nevertheless, quickly recover when returned to the water and allowed to shed skin for a day or so!)
Now take this value and add it to your previous total.
If you do not have a neighbor who owns an aquarium, add 1 to your previous total.
This is your score.
But what do these numbers mean? Gladja asked:
-2 – 0 You are a good but stupid person. You will prob. go to heaven, but everyone there will laugh at you for your lack of intelligence, breeding and good looks. You should read this blog more.
+1-57 You have very discerning nature. Yr. sharp intellect is admired by everyone else around you. Unfortunately, nothing else is. I’m not gonna pull any punches, as I can see how smart you are. I have a feeling that if you moved to Trondheim, you’d be happier. On the other hand, no one else who lives there would be. You prob. read my blog enough, but, you know, a little insurance never hurts.
+58-69 You’re perfect. Brains. Bodies—I mean, body. “Native intelligence.” (What the hell does that mean anyway?) Taste. Pure heart. (‘Tho not too pure for a little spring action, right?) Ooooooooonly thing you don’t have is a life! Wow, that sucks… You should maybe, like, find something else to do w/ yer time than, like, huddling in some dark room reading this. Too much of a good thing is not a good thing. I mean, look at junkies. Or Trekkies. So while you’re perfect, I wanted to offer that advice. It’s hard not to want to take care of you—to love you. I hope you don’t mind my opening up to you like that.
Even if you don’t exist.
See ya next time we do these random anniversary type things! Well, maybe sooner. I do intend to write before then. But who knows? For all I can say, this shit’ll happen again tomorrow? Fuckin’ random anniversaries…
