NOTE: If you didn't read the last installment of this 5 act screenplay, (yes, it's a 5 act screenplay--just like Shakespeare woulda writ 1--) you might wanna check it out. Even if you don't want to read it for some reason, you'll wanna catch all the disclaimers I set forth there, as they apply here as well. I'd like to throw in a new disclaimer here: I wrote this before I knew Bill O'Reilley was gonna interview Prez. Obama before the big bowl game this past Sunday. I meant no commentary on either of the B.O.'s performances during this tete-a-tete.
So w/o further ado, I bring you…
IN THE SHAFT
ACT TWO
INT. ELEVATOR CAR DAY
As before, the two men stand trapped in a halted elevator car, FOX New Celebrity BILL O'REILLY and the white male STRANGER, (whose nondescriptness approaches a preternatural BLURRINESS that might be troublingunder other circumstances). The lighting is DIM, as the car is without normal power.
O'REILLY
Well... since we're stuck together in these
unenviable circumstances, let's introduce
ourselves. I hope you'll forgive me for observing
that from the way you've been staring at me, I
believe you may know me already.
The Stranger smiles but says nothing.
O'REILLY
Oh come on now, I saw you looking at me... Much
as it pains to admit, I even thought: God I hope
this guy won’t recognize me, Bill O'Reilly, Fox
News Mega-Star.
The Stranger raises his eyebrows interrogatively.
O'REILLY
Well, I know it may sound a trifle ungrateful,
but you don't understand what it's like. I'm a
celebrity, true, and I enjoy the perks thereof.
I enjoy them with a clear conscience, as well,
since I know I've earned them. What people don’t
know—liberals, even some of my fans—is how much
work it was, not just to put on my show, but to
write my books, to make all my public
appearances, all in the name of protecting our
culture—the culture that had shaped the world.
The Stranger clears his throat and smiles some more. O'Reilly's voice has risen about 1/4 octave at this point with indignity. It levels off now, as he turns away from The Stranger and seems to speak to himself.
O'REILLY
I can almost forgive some of the liberals for
their scrutiny—their recognition of the man who
must, sadly, be their enemy. I've given up on
speculating about why it must be that way long
ago. Still, sometimes I wonder: aren’t we all
Americans? But some of my fans—lately, I'm
starting to worry they may just be...idiots...
just brainwashed by day time TV and reality
programs—that they're only responding to the
surfaces of my thoughts without considering
their depths.
Realizing he is speaking aloud, he turns to The Stranger in alarm.
O'REILLY
Wait! I didn't mean that! You're not one of my
fans are you? Because most of my fans are very
intelligent! It's just...well, I've noted this
trend among some of my newer fans that, well,
uh...
STRANGER
I’m a big fan.
O'Reilly is aghast, stumbling around, visibly trying to figure out how to save face. He smiles broadly.
O’REILLY
Well that is a pleasure and a relief! You seem
like an intelligent young man and you have the
good taste to be an O'Reilly fan!
He laughs with broad humor, but seems a bit troubled to find The Stranger only grinning.
O'REILLY
(awkwardly)
I mean... sure, a fan could do you in—sometimes
they are the biggest danger of all. But it's
comforting to know somehow that if I must be
stuck in an elevator, it's with an admirer—a fan.
An inscrutable smile lines The Stranger's nondescript features, leaving O'Reilly visibly nervous.
O'REILLY
You know, it's amusing to think that the word
fan, as some know, is derived from the term
“fanatic.” That Bill O’Reilly, "Culture Warrior"…
He says this last with ironic self-deprecation that plays more like a mincing palsy...
O'REILLY
(CONT.)
…should have fans seemed absolutely ironic, in
light of the efforts I've made to combat
extremist fanaticism and liberal hysteria.
The Stranger is now audibly SNICKERING.
O'Reilly's expression quickly mutates from pride to surprise to anger.
O'REILLY
Excuse me. Excuse me. That's very rude. Let's at
least be civilized.
He extends a hand to The Stranger, which, as he obviously expects it to be, is rejected.
O'REILLY
(voice breaking impishly)
So you're a liberalllll...
The Stranger is smiling also.
STRANGER
Maybe.
O'REILLY
(pleasantly)
Shame on you for mis-representing yourself!
He extends his hand again.
O'REILLY
Bill O'Reilly.
The Stranger still isn't having it, so O'Reilly drops his hand.
O'REILLY
And the spin stops here.
The Stranger makes a disgusted tsking sound.
STRANGER
I'll bet you say that when you're fucking.
O'Reilly blinks.
O'REILLY
Excuse me? Young man, I'll thank you to watch
that kind of language.
STRANGER
(laughing)
Fucking?
O'REILLY
That's it! I'm leaving.
Then he remembers he's on an elevator.
O'REILLY
Ah. Right. Well then, I've removed my mask.
O'Reilly makes an elaborate gesture that doesn't really look much like someone removing a mask but is almost mesmerizing in its complex ambiguity.
O'REILLY
Perhaps you would be so kind to do the same.
STRANGER
What do you mean?
O'REILLY
Who...
There is an inordinately long pause, even for the sake of Shatnerian bathetic drama... then the next two words are delivered very quickly, almost as a whisper:
O'REILLY
(CONT.)
...are you?
The Stranger might look puzzled that O'Reilly is making such a big deal out of asking him this question, but he looks even more shifty--as if he is on the verge of exposure by a crafty hunter.
STRANGER
What do you mean?
O'REILLY
Who are you?
STRANGER
I'm just some asshole. I'm no one.
O'REILLY
Afraid not, my friend. This all seems a little
too significant. And you seem a little too...
known... even if I've never seen you, you are so
nondescript and if even now, when I look at you,
you're sorta blurry.
STRANGER
I'm no one!
O'REILLY
Quoting The Odyssey won't help!
STRANGER
You've read The Odyssey?
O'REILLY
Well, no, not really, but an intern suggested I
listen to it on tape when I was taking notes to
give to the guy who ghost wrote most of the final
draft of one of those awful novels I wrote about
patriotic spies or whatever. (Who knows? I never
read 'em? Did you? I mean, even for camp value,
it just seems like too much work.) I thought--
well, the intern thought--hey, you know, spies
usually have something to do w/ nations being at
war in some form or other--like, you know at
least in a state of detente or something. And I
guess The Odyssey has something to do with war,
though I guess the war's over in it, whatever war
was going on whenever it was set. Well, anyway,
I fast forwarded through most of it--yeah, I
still had a tape deck back then--and it was just
so boring, but I got to this really very amusing
moment where the hero--one of those Greek names,
I think it was Euripides--gets stuck on an island
with some giants that eat people. He escapes and
blinds the king of the giants, and the giant
says, "Who did this to me?" And Euripides says,
"My name is No One. No One did this to you." Or
something like that. A fine metaphor for big
government spending.
O'Reilly chortles. The Stranger looks confused. And bored. And annoyed. And sleepy.
O'REILLY
No, my friend, you're no Euripides. So the question
remains: who are you?
STRANGER
I am Nobody. And I'm not quoting the Jim Jarmusch
movie either.
O'Reilly looks completely confused. He is trying to phonetically sound out "Jim Jarmusch," but can't pull it off.
O'REILLY
What?
STRANGER
He's a director.
O'Reilly nods uncertainly.
O'REILLY
Oh.
O'Reilly snaps his fingers.
O'REILLY
Wait! Director! That gives me an idea! Here's
another movie character you're not!
He opens an emergency panel on one of the elevator's walls. From it, he pulls a tangled BLACK WIG and a BLUE NIGHTGOWN. He throws these at The Stranger.
O'REILLY
Your size! Here! Put these on!
The Stranger looks confused, but shrugs and obeys.
O'REILLY
Now, roll around on the floor. When I say, who
are you, say, 'I am no one,' in a high-pitched
voice, OK?
The Stranger shrugs, nods.
STRANGER
Sure, why not?
O'REILLY
Good. Here goes. Who are you?
As The Stranger replies, O'Reilly simultaneously speaks in a LOW GUTTURAL VOICE.
STRANGER
I am no one.
O'REILLY
Eno on ma i.
The Stranger sits up and looks at O'Reilly with irritation, but also with some fear, as if it's dawned on him that the man may be not only just as dumb as he sometimes appears on TV, which would be reassuring, but unfortunately, more irrational, which would be alarming.
O'REILLY
(merrily)
Great movie! C'mon!!!
Seeing that The Stranger still isn't getting it, he obligingly PUKES on him in a projectile manner.
O'REILLY
The Exorcist!
A disgusted Stranger mops puke off of himself with his discarded Linda Blair gown.
O'REILLY
Aw, c'mon! Wait! I got another one! You know how
Brundlefly eats?
The Stranger shakes his head, bemused.
O'Reilly sends another bolt of VOMIT toward him, then slurps most of it back up.
O'REILLY
The Fly! Gina Davis is hot-t-t-t-t!!!
JUMP CUT
OVEREXPOSED - WHITE LIGHT
SHRIEKING BACKGROUND NOISE
O'Reilly and The Stranger are screaming and wallowing in filth again.
STRANGER
That didn't really happen! That didn't really
happen!
O'REILLY
God please! It's really out of character!
JUMP CUT
NORMAL LIGHTING
NORMAL SOUND
Both O'Reilly and The Stranger are standing as they were before, as if, indeed, none of the events regarding The Fly or The Exorcist actually occurred.
However, neither looks comforted by this resumption of "reality." They stare at each other.
BOTH
(in unison)
I've got to get out of here!
They turn and break for the control panel. Each grasps the emergency handset, and after a brief, but intense struggle O'Reilly comes up holding the prize.
O'REILLY
(into the phone)
Help! We're stuck! We need some help!
The Stranger has fallen into a sitting posture. Despite the recent conflict, he looks at O'Reilly hopefully, but is disappointed to see Bill shake his head and let the instrument dangle limply by its cable from his index finger for a moment. O'Reilly hangs up.
He looks at The Stranger for a long silent moment before offering him his hand.
O'REILLY
Very sorry about losing my cool there. Guess
we're both a little tense.
The Stranger does not accept O'Reilly's hand, but he does rise.
STRANGER
Whatever.
O'Reilly is irritated with The Stranger's refusal to bury the hatchet.
O'REILLY
You know, it's exactly this sort of
vindictiveness that keeps this country from
getting out of the mess it's in right now?
The Stranger coughs noncommittally. His nondescript features form an indeterminate, but irritable expression.
O'REILLY
It's what keeps this country from being truly
united states. Well... we're stuck...
He gestures at the control panel with exasperation.
O'REILLY
(CONT.)
...for god knows how long. Someone will lose his
job over this, I can tell you that.
Then his expression softens, becoming almost impish.
O'REILLY
But since we are stuck together, and you wouldn't
let me help you up, will you now at least finally
reveal your identity?
STRANGER
I'm not going to tell you anything because you're
an asshole.
Something in The Stranger's inflections seems to affect O'Reilly. He appears amused and disdainful, as he dons one of his best penetrating grins—one that might easily cow Al Franken.
O'REILLY
Sir, may I be so bold as to ask if you are a
homosexual?
The Stranger is surprised, a bit angry, but quickly recovers his poise. The Stranger stares at O'Reilly.
STRANGER
Yes, I'm gay. What business is it of yours?
O'REILLY
Oh, oh... None at all. I believe all Americans
should be free to pursue happiness however he or
she chooses--even if some choose to do so outside
of norms that I think most Americans would be
comfortable with. So long as in those cases, I do
think it might be more respectful for those
choosing...
He pauses, selecting his words carefully, as he does when handling serious issues before a large, sensitive audience.
O'REILLY
(CONT.)
...alternative paths to do so in private... But
that's just my opinion.
He lowers his voice dramatically, (which has the effect of making you realize just how much it's risen during this bit of punditry).
O'REILLY
And so I know something so personal about you...
according to my estimation... maybe to your own,
it really isn't, but I think you need only
consider the ongoing debate over "don't ask don't
tell" policies in our military services to see
where the opinions of most Americans lie. I know
this about you, and yet you won't tell me your
name. I'm left to wonder: just what is it you
feel that you have to hide.
STRANGER
Bill...
O'REILLY
There! You see? You know who I am? By Christian
name even. Do I object to that? Of course not!
STRANGER
You're famous.
O'REILLY
Of course not!
STRANGER
Everyone knows your name.
O'REILLY
All I'm saying is that you have me at a
disadvantage. Come on now. I am famous. Your name
is just a name. Why are you being so difficult
about it? Is it really embarrassing? Like Andy
Dick? He's gay, isn't he?
STRANGER
Uh, I heard not, but then... well, I hope that's
true actually. OK, Bill, actually, I am sort of
famous. I'm nationally syndicated sex advisor Dan
Savage. My column Savage Love has been running in
print (and no doubt online 'tho I'm not sure)
publications for a while now (can't say how long
for some reason). It's pretty graphic by a lotta
people's standards cuz I talk upfront about
things like anal sex and vaginal contractions
and how to achieve/exploit/whatever them, and my
readers come up with funny signatures, the
initials of which spell out naughty words like
ENEMA. And I'm from Chicago, and I like long
walks in the park. Well that last part may not be
true. I mean the park stuff. I am really from
Chicago, apparently.
O'Reilly is staring blankly at the wall.
SAVAGE
Bill? Are you OK?
O'REILLY
ENEMA? Vaginal contraction?
SAVAGE
Yeah, Bill. Jesus. That bothers you? I mean,
didn't you, like, sexually harass some intern's
answering machine?
O'REILLY
I've got to get out of here.
He moves to the control panel and checks the handset. He hangs up.
O'REILLY
(hopelessly)
Still dead.
SAVAGE
You've never heard of my column?
O'REILLY
No. And I don't want to talk about it.
SAVAGE
Bill...
O'REILLY
Whatever! I said I don't want to talk about it!
