You're back!
I knew you would be! I mean, is this shit addictive, or what? White knuckle, edge of your seat, eat your heart out James Cameron! Here's how you write a goddamn screenplay! I'm still thoroughly mystified as to why no one bought this fucker while I was out there, but I'm sure I will be vindicated yet--as I'm sure you are at this point. Those assholes just never took the time to read it…
What's more, it got this sorta multi-media pedigree, don't it? I mean, it has that 2-man stageplay sorta setup just like Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead, say--or, uh, the first Saw movie--you know--I mean, if it'd been a play.
So. Anyway… on we go…
IN THE SHAFT
ACT FOUR
INT. ELEVATOR CAR DAY
Fox News celebrity BILL O'REILLY and nationally syndicated sex advice columnist DAN SAVAGE have been trapped for some time now. Within the claustrophobic confines of the car, the lighting is DIM, due to the a lack of full running power. Both men are dissheveled and visibly agitated.
JUMP CUT
HARSH WHITE LIGHT
HARSH BACKGROUND NOISE
Savage and O'Reilly are again NUDE and WALLOWING in FILTH.
SAVAGE
(screaming)
Event Horizon was a shitty movie! Event Horizon
was a shitty movie!
O'REILLY
(screaming)
It didn't even have Jack Nicholson in it!
SAVAGE
(still screaming)
The Shining sucked too!
O'REILLY
(also still screaming)
You're right!
(shrugs, still screaming)
The book was pretty good though!
SAVAGE
(still screaming)
I hate Stanley Kubrick!
O'REILLY
(still screaming some more)
Me too! He's really overrated!
SAVAGE
(screaming)
Oh wow! So we finally agree on something after
all!
JUMP CUT
NORMAL LIGHTING
NORMAL SOUND
O'Reilly and Savage are fully clothed, and of course, both have come to their senses about Stanley Kubrick and what a genius he is. Obviously no one could ever think that Stanley Kubrick was anything other than a genius. Ever.
O'Reilly is still brandishing his phone. Savage looks unhappily into space.
SAVAGE
(confused)
Huh? What?
O'REILLY
I said, FYI, that's my opinion about gay
marriage. What's yours?
Savage seems lost in thought.
SAVAGE
I already told you I can't say.
O'REILLY
OMFG. Are we going to do this again? I thought
we agreed we'd at least try to talk.
SAVAGE
We tried. It didn't work.
O'REILLY
ROFL. That's such a liberal attitude. You just
quit when someone else stands up to you.
SAVAGE
We never confirmed I was a liberal, remember?
And you're not rolling on the floor.
O'REILLY
What do you mean?
SAVAGE
You're not even laughing.
O'REILLY
Why would I be? We're stuck on a damn
elevator! Which reminds me...
He tries to pass his phone to Savage, who won't take it.
O'REILLY
Here, take a look at oreilly.com. I'd like your
opinion of some of our online services. Look,
I'm sure you'd never shop at the online store
yourself, and I know 49.95 for 6 months as a
website insider may seem steep, but I'm trying
to hear what a lot of younger people think.
Savage pushes the phone away more fervently. Bill is hurt and replaces it in his pocket.
O'REILLY
Suit yourself. I was trying to treat you with
respect, BTW.
SAVAGE
'BTW?' Did you just say 'BTW?' When does
anyone ever actually say that out loud?
O'Reilly blinks, not at all sure what Savage means. Savage, though, is troubled.
SAVAGE
That's an abbreviation people use online--in
chartrooms or message boards. Or in text
messages. No one says that.
Savage looks to O'Reilly hopefully, almost desperately now, in search of some reassurance. O'Reilly stretches up-raised palms in a careless "I got nothin'" sorta gesture. Savage turns away from him.
SAVAGE
(to himself)
A mote it is to trouble the mind's eye. Did I
just say that? I'm not that pretentious. Am I?
He looks back to O'Reilly who is humming "Lady Godiva's Operation" to himself whilst practicing the old soft shoe.
SAVAGE
Say, Bill?
O'Reilly looks up, smiling pleasantly.
O'REILLY
Yes?
SAVAGE
What's BTW stand for?
O'REILLY
(distracted, humming)
Hmmm?
SAVAGE
Bill. Please. What does BTW stand for?
O'Reilly stops, squints at Savage, as if remembering something evasive but... important.
O'REILLY
How did we get here?
SAVAGE
Bill! We're in an elevator. We're stuck. I'm
Dan Savage. I hate you. You hate me.
He looks hopelessly off into the distance and speaks to himself.
SAVAGE
It's all so contrived. So contrived.
He stares for a long time, as O'Reilly resumes shimmying and humming: "Strapped securely to the white table..." etc.
Suddenly, Savage's face twists itself knowingly. He turns to O'Reilly.
SAVAGE
Bill?
O'REILLY
(impatiently)
Whaaaat?
SAVAGE
What do I look like?
O'REILLY
Huh?
SAVAGE
Bill, what do I look like?
O'Reilly shrugs with hands in pockets.
O'REILLY
You're rather nondescript.
Savage is infuriated.
SAVAGE
Bill, I'm a nationally syndicated sex advice
columnist. What do I look like?
O'Reilly seems troubled. He stops, mid-shuffle, his unfocused gaze wandering past Savage to the fake wood paneling of the elevator car walls.
He HUMS audibly, but tunelessly.
Savage watches him gratefully, hopefully, like a castaway studying a distant oil slick--apparently desperate to stir something in his companion's drifting mind.
O'Reilly snaps his fingers, lowers his head in grim satisfaction.
O'REILLY
I wouldn't know. I would never read smut like
that.
Savage slumps.
SAVAGE
Yeah, but Bill, even if you've never seen a
picture of me before, shouldn't you be able to
see what I look like now?
Without a glance aat Savage, O'Reilly is going to answer, but Savage cuts him off.
SAVAGE
(fiercely)
Look at me!
Reluctantly O'Reilly obeys. He seems disquieted by what he sees.
O'REILLY
(defensively)
Yes, well, you're very nondescript.
He turns abruptly away from Savage and speaks as if to someone else.
O'REILLY
Moving along now...
Savage clutches desperately after his shoulder.
SAVAGE
Bill! Listen to me!
O'Reilly pushes Savage away.
O'REILLY
Don't touch me! I told you before!
SAVAGE
We're not just going to magically get out of
this! We have put our mutual disgust aside and
think! Until someone...someone... thinks of
something, this situation is going nowhere!
We're stuck!
O'Reilly employs a devastating oratory technique--well-known to ill-prepared contentious guests of The O'Reilly Factor: smiling pleasantly, he speaks in a painfully loud braying tone, annihilating whatever (admittedly pointless and bromidic) words Savage is emitting.
O'REILLY
BAH! BAH! BAH! BAH! OK! Thank you! Come back
when you've done a little more research!
SAVAGE
Ip--! Ook--!
O'Reilly is fully at home with this response, as it's what he usually gets. He continues grinning, eyes a-squint in an expression that looks a little painful.
O'REILLY
Yes! OK... Come back when you have your facts
straight! Thank yoooouuu....!!!!
SAVAGE
Bill, are you OK?
O'REILLY
Yes yes... Thank yoooouuu....!!!!
SAVAGE
Bill, listen to me, I think the stress of the
situation may be getting to you. Bill, do you
know where you are?
O'REILLY
(insulted)
Of course I do.
SAVAGE
We're not on TV. We're trapped in an elevator.
O'Reilly's eyeballs roll around a bit before leveling themselves with new clarity.
O'REILLY
(calmly, bitterly)
You're right. Of course you're right. We're not
on TV.
He stares thoughtfully into space before speaking with surprising conviction.
O'REILLY
But you're wrong about something else, Mr.
Savage. We're not trapped--not really. There
has to be a way to beat this thing. We just
have to figure it out. Maybe we should really
try to think this strange situation through.
SAVAGE
(rolling his eyes)
I've been trying to think it through for a while.
which you'd know if you'd listened to anything
I'd said…
O'REILLY
Yes, yes… That's nice, Mr. Savage. In fact, I
heard some of what you said, but didn't find
it very revealing. We still don't know why
we're here, why we can't get out, why our
thinking is so clouded…
O'Reilly looks away from Savage, his voice and gaze becoming troubled again.
O'REILLY
I can't understand it… your face… it's still
so nondescript.
Savage notices O'Reilly's growing uncertainty with concern and is quick to speak up.
SAVAGE
Oh that? Well… I'm not sure… but I have a
theory. It's not an explanation, but a theory
that touches on all of it…if you'd like
to hear it.
O'Reilly looks up at Savage and waves.
O'REILLY
Please…
SAVAGE
Thanks. Well, I think that despite the fact
that we're fairly renowned, whoever--whatever
--put us here doesn't know what you or I think
or feel about a lot of things. It knows that
we're famous and generally what kind of people
we are, but not some very basic ideas about
us, such as our positions on global warming,
and within its influence, we don't know what
we think--not even about a real firebrand
issue like gay marriage. We only learned what
you…uh…thought because of your cell phone. And
our shallowness in these respects doesn't even
occur to us until it comes up…
O'Reilly is YAWNING loudly, but unselfconsciously.
O'REILLY
What? Oh. Sorry.
SAVAGE
(irritated)
It's as though we're in the grip of some
authoritative consciousness that holds us in
general contempt--one that controls our
surroundings, our ability to express
ourselves, even our abilities to incarnate
ourselves, to some extent.
O'REILLY
(with dawning understanding)
Your face! That's why your face is a blur!
SAVAGE
(nodding sadly)
Whatever it is didn't even have enough respect
to find a picture of me.
O'Reilly nods sympathetically and gently pats Savage's shoulder.
SAVAGE
But you see, Bill, this is familiar somehow,
but I can't quite put my finger on it. It
reminds me of my readers and your guests
somehow...
Haunted by this idea, Savage lapses into silence.
A look of surprise crosses O'Reilly's face, but it is quickly replaced by calm resolve. It's as though he is awaking from a deep slumber.
O'REILLY
The spin stops here.
He glances at his watch.
O'REILLY
It's been an hour and 25 minutes now. Mr.
Savage, it seems no one's coming to get
us. We'll have to resolve the situation
ourselves. Let's get to work.
Savage looks up, dreamily. When he meets O'Reilly's gaze, he nods and smiles.
END OF ACT FOUR
TO BE CONTINUED…
IN ACT FIVE! WHICH WILL BE THE LAST, GULP, ACT!
BUCKLE UP YOUR SEAT BELTS! BOYOBOYOBOY….
