Savage Meaningless Sarcasm, Part 5

Are you ready? Are you ready???

Well are ya?

OK then, I won't make you wait with more trifling words… Here it is! More, um, trifling words!!!

IN THE SHAFT

ACT FIVE

INT. ELEVATOR CAR DAY

Fox New Celebrity BILL O'REILLY and nationally syndicated sex advice columnist DAN SAVAGE are trapped in a stalled elevator car, as they have been for a very long time now. Both men are worn out from the stress of the situation.

Lighting is DIM, due to limited availability of electricity in the car.

Savage's face is strangely BLURRED, so that his features cannot be really apprehended.

Though they have been at odds through much of their time together, the two men have reached at a point dramatic renewal. They realize that it is now time to work together, if they are to escape their imprisonment.

O'REILLY

It's time to put our differences aside--due to

the strange, almost ill-defined haziness of

our surroundings, we seem to be having a hard

time identifying them anyway) and really work

together to do something that actually

matters... to solve a real problem.

SAVAGE

I'm with it and ready for what happens next!

O'Reilly and Savage nod at one another.

O'REILLY

All right then, let's do this thing.

From the CONTROL PANEL, the PHONE RINGS.

Both men jump, then scramble after the phone. Again, O'Reilly comes out on top.

O'REILLY

Yes? Yes? Yes?

SAVAGE

What? What? What are they saying?

O'Reilly waves an irritable hand at him, as though he were a horse fly.

O'REILLY

(pleasantly throughout)

Mm hm, I see. OK. Allllll right. Well, you

just better hurry, or you may not have a job

anywhere ever again.

Then he barks enormously loudly, causing Savage to jump.

O'REILLY

THANK YOU!

He hangs up.

The elevator begins moving--very slowly--very tortuously--but it is moving. Savage smiles broadly. O'Reilly nods at him with assurance and offers a confident smile.

O'REILLY

Now, now. It may be several minutes. There's

something badly damaged mechanically, so they

have to run the car at a very, very low speed.

SAVAGE

How come no one noticed we were stuck?

O'REILLY

(genuinely bemused)

I... don't know... This all just seems so...

sudden... so anti-climatic somehow.

SAVAGE

Yeah, I mean, for years, I've been telling

people... well, people who aren't gay men

anyway...people who don't have that kinda raw,

unbridled hit-it-n-quit-it type sex life that

all men really wish they could have, but you

poor straight fuckers can't... ha ha!!!

O'Reilly looks wistfully into the distance.

SAVAGE

Oh, sorry... well, what I tell 'em is that you

gotta hang around for a while after the event,

as boring and awkward as that may be. I mean,

barf, there's not just all that "cuddling"

stuff you sentimental breeding types are

into--well, the women anyway--there's also

some kama sutra shit about lying around with

your yang in her yin or something for awhile

after you ejaculate and... Bill? Bill? Are you

OK?

O'Reilly is staring raptly in front of him, as if he's seeing some transcendent vision.

O'REILLY

Event!

SAVAGE

Wha?

He turns to Savage.

O'REILLY

Event!

SAVAGE

You're buying a new car?

O'Reilly leans toward Savage, speaking more quietly and intensely.

O'REILLY

No, idiot. You said, "event." "After the

event."

SAVAGE

Oh. So?

O'REILLY

Earlier, when we were trapped, I thought of

Event Horizon.

Savage looks as though he just walked past an open sewer.

SAVAGE

That movie sucked.

O'REILLY

I'll say! See, and that's the thing...It

sucked so bad that I never think of it. I mean,

I don't consciously go out of my way to not

think of it, because it's far too lame for

that, and plus it seems that our culture,

thankfully, is at least united on this one

unspoken front: we all think that movie was

bad enough to just let it sink like a rock

into a pool of stagnant, murky feces.

SAVAGE

(approvingly)

Nice imagery, if trite.

O'REILLY

Well, ya know... I could've done better,

but... that whole elevator thing.

SAVAGE

(sympathetically)

Sure.

A look of almost religious terror suddenly appears on his face.

SAVAGE

Hey! I almost forgot! There was a moment

where I was thinking about that movie as

well! I was thinking about Laurence

Fishburne calling that guy "Baby Bear"

or whatever and then...

O'REILLY

(interrupting in near terror)

Speak not its name!

Savage stops. They stare at one another knowingly.

SAVAGE

Event Horizon sucks.

O'REILLY

Event Horizon sucks.

Both men simultaneously SIGH. Then Savage suddenly smiles at O'Reilly.

SAVAGE

Bill, we both hate Event Horizon. Do you

realize what this means?

O'Reilly shakes his head.

SAVAGE

After all this time, we find out we have

something in common after all.

O'REILLY

Our contempt for audience and our

unshakable love for talking down to

them?

SAVAGE

Two things then.

O'REILLY

Our vastly narcissistic love for the

sound of our own voices?

SAVAGE

Bill?

O'REILLY

Mmm?

SAVAGE

I write.

O'REILLY

I was speaking of our authorial voices

as removed from any medium.

SAVAGE

Oh. Three things then.

O'REILLY

Is it our um...? Wait, well, could it be

ulp, er, uh...???

A long, silent moment passes. Parallel elevator cars can be heard passing.

Frustrated at being bested by Savage, O'Reilly stomps.

O'REILLY

OK. I give up. What else do we have in

common?

SAVAGE

Our desire to listen to other people.

Another long, silent moment passes.

O'Reilly and Savage burst out laughing. They continue laughing for some time, eventually falling to the floor of the car, wiping away tears, begging for mercy, etc.

O'REILLY

LMAO! Whatever that means!

SAVAGE

No, Bill, really. That's how we set them

up. You always listen to them for about

the first 10 seconds they're on the show.

Then you bulldozer them--yelling,

interrupting, ridiculing, refusing to

let them get in a single word if they

have any point to make that contradicts

yours and then you go to commercial.

O'Reilly nods.

O'REILLY

And you listen to your reader for the

space of one letter, then you talk back

to them at him--

SAVAGE

--or her--

O'REILLY

--BAH BAH BAH THANK YOU-- at great

patronizing length, often ridiculing

him--or her--for whatever sensitivities

or insecurities he (or she) is

revealing. You're right! We do like to listen!

They smile at each other.

O'REILLY

Let's make out!

SAVAGE

(with distaste)

No thanks.

O'REILLY

But but you're gay!

He looks hurt.

SAVAGE

Sorry, I don't wanna make out with you.

But let's do the smurf dance.

O'Reilly looks horrified.

O'REILLY

The hip hop move?

SAVAGE

No, no, that stupid dance the smurfs

always did when something festive

happened on the cartoon show!

O'REILLY

(grinning broadly with relief)

Ohhhh!!! That one I can do!

A DISCO BALL lowers.

The SMURFS theme song starts playing.

O'REILLY AND SAVAGE start doing the SMURF DANCE

THe UNIVERSE ends.

FADE TO MAUVE.

ROLL END CREDITS

FIN

Welp. That's it. Are you wiping away tears? What's that you say? Tears aren't what you're wiping away? Haw haw… don't quit your day job, kid.

Think you can do better? Well, I challenge you to put up your five act existentialist buddy movie action (without any action whatsoever I'll grantcha) action flick screenplay up. Then we'll compare and contrast and see who's lookin' like a real pro.

In the meantime, I have my end of the year--I mean 2010--playlist coming up next. It's pretty much done. I'm just giving us both a few days to catch our breath--you and I. (And for me to polish it a bit, seeing as you're getting so snotty and hypercritical.) Bear in mind, it's the usual deal--a CD length musical impression of what my year was like--more or less a personal expression that foregrounds stuff that's new to me, but hits some old stuff as well. Till then, be careful out there, OK?

Savage Meaningless Sarcasm, Part 4

You're back!

I knew you would be! I mean, is this shit addictive, or what? White knuckle, edge of your seat, eat your heart out James Cameron! Here's how you write a goddamn screenplay! I'm still thoroughly mystified as to why no one bought this fucker while I was out there, but I'm sure I will be vindicated yet--as I'm sure you are at this point. Those assholes just never took the time to read it…

What's more, it got this sorta multi-media pedigree, don't it? I mean, it has that 2-man stageplay sorta setup just like Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead, say--or, uh, the first Saw movie--you know--I mean, if it'd been a play.

So. Anyway… on we go…

IN THE SHAFT

ACT FOUR

INT. ELEVATOR CAR DAY

Fox News celebrity BILL O'REILLY and nationally syndicated sex advice columnist DAN SAVAGE have been trapped for some time now. Within the claustrophobic confines of the car, the lighting is DIM, due to the a lack of full running power. Both men are dissheveled and visibly agitated.

JUMP CUT

HARSH WHITE LIGHT

HARSH BACKGROUND NOISE

Savage and O'Reilly are again NUDE and WALLOWING in FILTH.

SAVAGE

(screaming)

Event Horizon was a shitty movie! Event Horizon

was a shitty movie!

O'REILLY

(screaming)

It didn't even have Jack Nicholson in it!

SAVAGE

(still screaming)

The Shining sucked too!

O'REILLY

(also still screaming)

You're right!

(shrugs, still screaming)

The book was pretty good though!

SAVAGE

(still screaming)

I hate Stanley Kubrick!

O'REILLY

(still screaming some more)

Me too! He's really overrated!

SAVAGE

(screaming)

Oh wow! So we finally agree on something after

all!

JUMP CUT

NORMAL LIGHTING

NORMAL SOUND

O'Reilly and Savage are fully clothed, and of course, both have come to their senses about Stanley Kubrick and what a genius he is. Obviously no one could ever think that Stanley Kubrick was anything other than a genius. Ever.

O'Reilly is still brandishing his phone. Savage looks unhappily into space.

SAVAGE

(confused)

Huh? What?

O'REILLY

I said, FYI, that's my opinion about gay

marriage. What's yours?

Savage seems lost in thought.

SAVAGE

I already told you I can't say.

O'REILLY

OMFG. Are we going to do this again? I thought

we agreed we'd at least try to talk.

SAVAGE

We tried. It didn't work.

O'REILLY

ROFL. That's such a liberal attitude. You just

quit when someone else stands up to you.

SAVAGE

We never confirmed I was a liberal, remember?

And you're not rolling on the floor.

O'REILLY

What do you mean?

SAVAGE

You're not even laughing.

O'REILLY

Why would I be? We're stuck on a damn

elevator! Which reminds me...

He tries to pass his phone to Savage, who won't take it.

O'REILLY

Here, take a look at oreilly.com. I'd like your

opinion of some of our online services. Look,

I'm sure you'd never shop at the online store

yourself, and I know 49.95 for 6 months as a

website insider may seem steep, but I'm trying

to hear what a lot of younger people think.

Savage pushes the phone away more fervently. Bill is hurt and replaces it in his pocket.

O'REILLY

Suit yourself. I was trying to treat you with

respect, BTW.

SAVAGE

'BTW?' Did you just say 'BTW?' When does

anyone ever actually say that out loud?

O'Reilly blinks, not at all sure what Savage means. Savage, though, is troubled.

SAVAGE

That's an abbreviation people use online--in

chartrooms or message boards. Or in text

messages. No one says that.

Savage looks to O'Reilly hopefully, almost desperately now, in search of some reassurance. O'Reilly stretches up-raised palms in a careless "I got nothin'" sorta gesture. Savage turns away from him.

SAVAGE

(to himself)

A mote it is to trouble the mind's eye. Did I

just say that? I'm not that pretentious. Am I?

He looks back to O'Reilly who is humming "Lady Godiva's Operation" to himself whilst practicing the old soft shoe.

SAVAGE

Say, Bill?

O'Reilly looks up, smiling pleasantly.

O'REILLY

Yes?

SAVAGE

What's BTW stand for?

O'REILLY

(distracted, humming)

Hmmm?

SAVAGE

Bill. Please. What does BTW stand for?

O'Reilly stops, squints at Savage, as if remembering something evasive but... important.

O'REILLY

How did we get here?

SAVAGE

Bill! We're in an elevator. We're stuck. I'm

Dan Savage. I hate you. You hate me.

He looks hopelessly off into the distance and speaks to himself.

SAVAGE

It's all so contrived. So contrived.

He stares for a long time, as O'Reilly resumes shimmying and humming: "Strapped securely to the white table..." etc.

Suddenly, Savage's face twists itself knowingly. He turns to O'Reilly.

SAVAGE

Bill?

O'REILLY

(impatiently)

Whaaaat?

SAVAGE

What do I look like?

O'REILLY

Huh?

SAVAGE

Bill, what do I look like?

O'Reilly shrugs with hands in pockets.

O'REILLY

You're rather nondescript.

Savage is infuriated.

SAVAGE

Bill, I'm a nationally syndicated sex advice

columnist. What do I look like?

O'Reilly seems troubled. He stops, mid-shuffle, his unfocused gaze wandering past Savage to the fake wood paneling of the elevator car walls.

He HUMS audibly, but tunelessly.

Savage watches him gratefully, hopefully, like a castaway studying a distant oil slick--apparently desperate to stir something in his companion's drifting mind.

O'Reilly snaps his fingers, lowers his head in grim satisfaction.

O'REILLY

I wouldn't know. I would never read smut like

that.

Savage slumps.

SAVAGE

Yeah, but Bill, even if you've never seen a

picture of me before, shouldn't you be able to

see what I look like now?

Without a glance aat Savage, O'Reilly is going to answer, but Savage cuts him off.

SAVAGE

(fiercely)

Look at me!

Reluctantly O'Reilly obeys. He seems disquieted by what he sees.

O'REILLY

(defensively)

Yes, well, you're very nondescript.

He turns abruptly away from Savage and speaks as if to someone else.

O'REILLY

Moving along now...

Savage clutches desperately after his shoulder.

SAVAGE

Bill! Listen to me!

O'Reilly pushes Savage away.

O'REILLY

Don't touch me! I told you before!

SAVAGE

We're not just going to magically get out of

this! We have put our mutual disgust aside and

think! Until someone...someone... thinks of

something, this situation is going nowhere!

We're stuck!

O'Reilly employs a devastating oratory technique--well-known to ill-prepared contentious guests of The O'Reilly Factor: smiling pleasantly, he speaks in a painfully loud braying tone, annihilating whatever (admittedly pointless and bromidic) words Savage is emitting.

O'REILLY

BAH! BAH! BAH! BAH! OK! Thank you! Come back

when you've done a little more research!

SAVAGE

Ip--! Ook--!

O'Reilly is fully at home with this response, as it's what he usually gets. He continues grinning, eyes a-squint in an expression that looks a little painful.

O'REILLY

Yes! OK... Come back when you have your facts

straight! Thank yoooouuu....!!!!

SAVAGE

Bill, are you OK?

O'REILLY

Yes yes... Thank yoooouuu....!!!!

SAVAGE

Bill, listen to me, I think the stress of the

situation may be getting to you. Bill, do you

know where you are?

O'REILLY

(insulted)

Of course I do.

SAVAGE

We're not on TV. We're trapped in an elevator.

O'Reilly's eyeballs roll around a bit before leveling themselves with new clarity.

O'REILLY

(calmly, bitterly)

You're right. Of course you're right. We're not

on TV.

He stares thoughtfully into space before speaking with surprising conviction.

O'REILLY

But you're wrong about something else, Mr.

Savage. We're not trapped--not really. There

has to be a way to beat this thing. We just

have to figure it out. Maybe we should really

try to think this strange situation through.

SAVAGE

(rolling his eyes)

I've been trying to think it through for a while.

which you'd know if you'd listened to anything

I'd said…

O'REILLY

Yes, yes… That's nice, Mr. Savage. In fact, I

heard some of what you said, but didn't find

it very revealing. We still don't know why

we're here, why we can't get out, why our

thinking is so clouded…

O'Reilly looks away from Savage, his voice and gaze becoming troubled again.

O'REILLY

I can't understand it… your face… it's still

so nondescript.

Savage notices O'Reilly's growing uncertainty with concern and is quick to speak up.

SAVAGE

Oh that? Well… I'm not sure… but I have a

theory. It's not an explanation, but a theory

that touches on all of it…if you'd like

to hear it.

O'Reilly looks up at Savage and waves.

O'REILLY

Please…

SAVAGE

Thanks. Well, I think that despite the fact

that we're fairly renowned, whoever--whatever

--put us here doesn't know what you or I think

or feel about a lot of things. It knows that

we're famous and generally what kind of people

we are, but not some very basic ideas about

us, such as our positions on global warming,

and within its influence, we don't know what

we think--not even about a real firebrand

issue like gay marriage. We only learned what

you…uh…thought because of your cell phone. And

our shallowness in these respects doesn't even

occur to us until it comes up…

O'Reilly is YAWNING loudly, but unselfconsciously.

O'REILLY

What? Oh. Sorry.

SAVAGE

(irritated)

It's as though we're in the grip of some

authoritative consciousness that holds us in

general contempt--one that controls our

surroundings, our ability to express

ourselves, even our abilities to incarnate

ourselves, to some extent.

O'REILLY

(with dawning understanding)

Your face! That's why your face is a blur!

SAVAGE

(nodding sadly)

Whatever it is didn't even have enough respect

to find a picture of me.

O'Reilly nods sympathetically and gently pats Savage's shoulder.

SAVAGE

But you see, Bill, this is familiar somehow,

but I can't quite put my finger on it. It

reminds me of my readers and your guests

somehow...

Haunted by this idea, Savage lapses into silence.

A look of surprise crosses O'Reilly's face, but it is quickly replaced by calm resolve. It's as though he is awaking from a deep slumber.

O'REILLY

The spin stops here.

He glances at his watch.

O'REILLY

It's been an hour and 25 minutes now. Mr.

Savage, it seems no one's coming to get

us. We'll have to resolve the situation

ourselves. Let's get to work.

Savage looks up, dreamily. When he meets O'Reilly's gaze, he nods and smiles.

END OF ACT FOUR

TO BE CONTINUED…

IN ACT FIVE! WHICH WILL BE THE LAST, GULP, ACT!

BUCKLE UP YOUR SEAT BELTS! BOYOBOYOBOY….