Are you ready? Are you ready???
Well are ya?
OK then, I won't make you wait with more trifling words… Here it is! More, um, trifling words!!!
IN THE SHAFT
ACT FIVE
INT. ELEVATOR CAR DAY
Fox New Celebrity BILL O'REILLY and nationally syndicated sex advice columnist DAN SAVAGE are trapped in a stalled elevator car, as they have been for a very long time now. Both men are worn out from the stress of the situation.
Lighting is DIM, due to limited availability of electricity in the car.
Savage's face is strangely BLURRED, so that his features cannot be really apprehended.
Though they have been at odds through much of their time together, the two men have reached at a point dramatic renewal. They realize that it is now time to work together, if they are to escape their imprisonment.
O'REILLY
It's time to put our differences aside--due to
the strange, almost ill-defined haziness of
our surroundings, we seem to be having a hard
time identifying them anyway) and really work
together to do something that actually
matters... to solve a real problem.
SAVAGE
I'm with it and ready for what happens next!
O'Reilly and Savage nod at one another.
O'REILLY
All right then, let's do this thing.
From the CONTROL PANEL, the PHONE RINGS.
Both men jump, then scramble after the phone. Again, O'Reilly comes out on top.
O'REILLY
Yes? Yes? Yes?
SAVAGE
What? What? What are they saying?
O'Reilly waves an irritable hand at him, as though he were a horse fly.
O'REILLY
(pleasantly throughout)
Mm hm, I see. OK. Allllll right. Well, you
just better hurry, or you may not have a job
anywhere ever again.
Then he barks enormously loudly, causing Savage to jump.
O'REILLY
THANK YOU!
He hangs up.
The elevator begins moving--very slowly--very tortuously--but it is moving. Savage smiles broadly. O'Reilly nods at him with assurance and offers a confident smile.
O'REILLY
Now, now. It may be several minutes. There's
something badly damaged mechanically, so they
have to run the car at a very, very low speed.
SAVAGE
How come no one noticed we were stuck?
O'REILLY
(genuinely bemused)
I... don't know... This all just seems so...
sudden... so anti-climatic somehow.
SAVAGE
Yeah, I mean, for years, I've been telling
people... well, people who aren't gay men
anyway...people who don't have that kinda raw,
unbridled hit-it-n-quit-it type sex life that
all men really wish they could have, but you
poor straight fuckers can't... ha ha!!!
O'Reilly looks wistfully into the distance.
SAVAGE
Oh, sorry... well, what I tell 'em is that you
gotta hang around for a while after the event,
as boring and awkward as that may be. I mean,
barf, there's not just all that "cuddling"
stuff you sentimental breeding types are
into--well, the women anyway--there's also
some kama sutra shit about lying around with
your yang in her yin or something for awhile
after you ejaculate and... Bill? Bill? Are you
OK?
O'Reilly is staring raptly in front of him, as if he's seeing some transcendent vision.
O'REILLY
Event!
SAVAGE
Wha?
He turns to Savage.
O'REILLY
Event!
SAVAGE
You're buying a new car?
O'Reilly leans toward Savage, speaking more quietly and intensely.
O'REILLY
No, idiot. You said, "event." "After the
event."
SAVAGE
Oh. So?
O'REILLY
Earlier, when we were trapped, I thought of
Event Horizon.
Savage looks as though he just walked past an open sewer.
SAVAGE
That movie sucked.
O'REILLY
I'll say! See, and that's the thing...It
sucked so bad that I never think of it. I mean,
I don't consciously go out of my way to not
think of it, because it's far too lame for
that, and plus it seems that our culture,
thankfully, is at least united on this one
unspoken front: we all think that movie was
bad enough to just let it sink like a rock
into a pool of stagnant, murky feces.
SAVAGE
(approvingly)
Nice imagery, if trite.
O'REILLY
Well, ya know... I could've done better,
but... that whole elevator thing.
SAVAGE
(sympathetically)
Sure.
A look of almost religious terror suddenly appears on his face.
SAVAGE
Hey! I almost forgot! There was a moment
where I was thinking about that movie as
well! I was thinking about Laurence
Fishburne calling that guy "Baby Bear"
or whatever and then...
O'REILLY
(interrupting in near terror)
Speak not its name!
Savage stops. They stare at one another knowingly.
SAVAGE
Event Horizon sucks.
O'REILLY
Event Horizon sucks.
Both men simultaneously SIGH. Then Savage suddenly smiles at O'Reilly.
SAVAGE
Bill, we both hate Event Horizon. Do you
realize what this means?
O'Reilly shakes his head.
SAVAGE
After all this time, we find out we have
something in common after all.
O'REILLY
Our contempt for audience and our
unshakable love for talking down to
them?
SAVAGE
Two things then.
O'REILLY
Our vastly narcissistic love for the
sound of our own voices?
SAVAGE
Bill?
O'REILLY
Mmm?
SAVAGE
I write.
O'REILLY
I was speaking of our authorial voices
as removed from any medium.
SAVAGE
Oh. Three things then.
O'REILLY
Is it our um...? Wait, well, could it be
ulp, er, uh...???
A long, silent moment passes. Parallel elevator cars can be heard passing.
Frustrated at being bested by Savage, O'Reilly stomps.
O'REILLY
OK. I give up. What else do we have in
common?
SAVAGE
Our desire to listen to other people.
Another long, silent moment passes.
O'Reilly and Savage burst out laughing. They continue laughing for some time, eventually falling to the floor of the car, wiping away tears, begging for mercy, etc.
O'REILLY
LMAO! Whatever that means!
SAVAGE
No, Bill, really. That's how we set them
up. You always listen to them for about
the first 10 seconds they're on the show.
Then you bulldozer them--yelling,
interrupting, ridiculing, refusing to
let them get in a single word if they
have any point to make that contradicts
yours and then you go to commercial.
O'Reilly nods.
O'REILLY
And you listen to your reader for the
space of one letter, then you talk back
to them at him--
SAVAGE
--or her--
O'REILLY
--BAH BAH BAH THANK YOU-- at great
patronizing length, often ridiculing
him--or her--for whatever sensitivities
or insecurities he (or she) is
revealing. You're right! We do like to listen!
They smile at each other.
O'REILLY
Let's make out!
SAVAGE
(with distaste)
No thanks.
O'REILLY
But but you're gay!
He looks hurt.
SAVAGE
Sorry, I don't wanna make out with you.
But let's do the smurf dance.
O'Reilly looks horrified.
O'REILLY
The hip hop move?
SAVAGE
No, no, that stupid dance the smurfs
always did when something festive
happened on the cartoon show!
O'REILLY
(grinning broadly with relief)
Ohhhh!!! That one I can do!
A DISCO BALL lowers.
The SMURFS theme song starts playing.
O'REILLY AND SAVAGE start doing the SMURF DANCE
THe UNIVERSE ends.
FADE TO MAUVE.
ROLL END CREDITS
FIN
Welp. That's it. Are you wiping away tears? What's that you say? Tears aren't what you're wiping away? Haw haw… don't quit your day job, kid.
Think you can do better? Well, I challenge you to put up your five act existentialist buddy movie action (without any action whatsoever I'll grantcha) action flick screenplay up. Then we'll compare and contrast and see who's lookin' like a real pro.
In the meantime, I have my end of the year--I mean 2010--playlist coming up next. It's pretty much done. I'm just giving us both a few days to catch our breath--you and I. (And for me to polish it a bit, seeing as you're getting so snotty and hypercritical.) Bear in mind, it's the usual deal--a CD length musical impression of what my year was like--more or less a personal expression that foregrounds stuff that's new to me, but hits some old stuff as well. Till then, be careful out there, OK?
