You Just Might Be a Macrocosmos

I'm sorry. I wasn't gonna present another installment of this blog till I had my Thing-Fish (and Hawaii) musings in better order. At least, till I had my account of the first day w/ both Thing-Fish and Hawaii together. It's coming along. I have all the material, but it's like 30+pp. long. It needs some editing, and I'm working at that at a daemonic clip. The bad news is, this is taking me longer than I'd hoped. The good news is that I oughta be able to squeeze at least a few entries out of this bloated meta-entry. And in pretty quick succession...

In the meantime, though, something came up, and I feel I must get it down here. It's just too fucking important to let it go for another moment...




I was trying to find South Park on Comedy Central, which was supposed to be on, but apparently they'd decided to go w/ The Jeff Foxworthy Celebrity Roast. I didn't think they did these celebrity roast things anymore--except for maybe in some really obscure, idyllic corners of the world, like maybe on an island in the South Pacific, where the old ways are still maintained. These shows used to be all over the place when I was a very little kid. But now, I absolutely could not remember what happened during them. I decided I'd better watch this one and find out.

Whilst I was sitting through the 57 or 58 advertisements that Comedy Central likes to air between any 2 programs, (I think--the only show I ever watch on the network is South Park,) I was positively reeling at the implications of the program's title. There seemed to be at least 2 ways you could interpret it. Like, was Jeff Foxworthy going to roast some celebrities? That'd be pretty cool--but how cool would depend on which celebrities had been selected for roasting. It's really pretty rare that I care about a celeb. one way or another, but if say Johnny Depp, who I kinda like, (in a limited sorta way,) was on the list, I'd be a little bummed out. On the other hand, watching the fat drip and crackle from the bones of Jimmy Fallon, well that'd be sort of all right.

I mean, really, whatever celebrities were involved, I figured it would be pretty cool. It was a sound idea for a TV program. I'd watch it.

But the there's another possible interpretation of this show's title: a bunch of celebrities roast Jeff Foxworthy. Well, now this is a pretty good idea too--though more limited. The good news is it'd have to be a one-off and so wouldn't have much chance to get penned in by its limitations--barring, of course, some unholy display of godlike power and/or of really advanced science. (Whozat said magic would be almost indistinguishable from really advanced science to a relatively primitive mind? Rousseau? Barbara Bush?)

See, Jeff Foxworthy can only be roasted once. I mean, you could warm up leftovers or smoke or pickle some of him, (maybe to munch on while you watch future episodes of the show,) or use less readily digestible chunks of his remains as a base for stew or a nice soup (tomato-miso maybe???) But while that would be awfully special, I think the show would start to lose some of its immediacy after a while. (I mean, what are we making here, a cooking show? And if that's the case, shouldn't we maybe set up shop across the street at the studios of the Food Channel?)

They could probably pull this of for a little while, if they got some really good celebrity hosts, I wouldn't mind seeing Herve Villechaize and the midget from Freaks team up for one week's outing. (That dwarf from Bloodsucking Freaks would just be too obvious and redundant.) But the problem there is that they're both dead. And like if we're gonna ressurect anyone here, it should probably be Jeff Foxworthy, unfortunately, so that we can then kill and eat him again. But now this is getting offensive, because I'm exploiting dwarfishness and midgetry(???) not to mention native speakers of both French (Villechaize) and German (midget from Freaks). Still, that's better than having really boring celebrity pairings, like maybe a "Must-see-TV" nostalgia thing with John Mahoney and Helen Hunt. (P.S. Tony Shaloub, please go away...)

But, no holds barred, here's my last take on that title: Jeff Foxworthy and a group of celebrity guests roast each other at the same time!!! Again, you could only, physically squeeze so many episodes out of that premise. (Unless you were gonna go on w/o Jeff Foxworthy in future epi's, making it more like The Jeff Foxworthy Memorial Celebrity Roast. But let's face it, title aside, that would get about as absurd as post-Duchovny X-Files.)

Still, just imagine the really "Must-see" experiences you'd have here: all yr. old friends, like Sting, Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan, (united in this death orgy, as they were in movies,) Robert DeNiro, J Lo, (better get an Xtra large spit for that famous "big ass,") Catherine Zeta-Jones, Ben Stiller, lined up--hooves tied, apples browning in their mouths, as they're slowly turned, (growing ever more succulent,) on sticks that've been gently rammed up their asses --and far enough to bear their weight, which, I reckon, must be pretty damn far. Just the thought of it warms my heart. All the gifts they've given us, and now this final gift...

Or how about Nicholas Cage's semi-burnt body, impaled on its long wooden spit, reaching out to turn Jeff Foxworthy's equally-spitted carcass, whilst Jeff Foxworthy simultaneously turns Nicholas Cage's semi-burnt body. There goes Jeff! There goes Nick! There goes Jeff! There goes Nick! There's yr. circular ecosystem.

And how about the ultimate roast--nie on cosmic in its symbolic implications? Jeff Foxworthy gradually roasts his own body, turning it round and round like the earth itself, meanwhile scarfing the cooked pieces of his own self? Who needs other celebrities?!!!

In this way, Jeff becomes our very own Midgard Serpent, wrapped around the earth (which itself is round and turning,) ever twisting, biting his own tail, ever consuming and restoring himself. Ever creating, ever destroying... The Great Cycle of Life....




And here's The Great Letdown: all that happened on The Jeff Foxworthy Celebrity Roast was that Jeff Foxworthy and a bunch of other guys who called themselves "rednecks" sat around and teased each other in a giggly, cutesy-pie way. It was sorta like being a fly on the wall of yr. high school girls' locker room--except they were guys with stupid facial hair. Ah well, better luck next time...