Full Frontal Stupidity

Speaking of saving things, (cf. that Aileen business below,) I almost lost my laptop on Wednesday. It was really fucking nice out. Being as the long Norse-mythology-type winter is about to descend on Chicago for like the next 6 months, (or maybe not, because it's usually in full swing by, like, Sept. 15. Global warming?) I figured I'd take ye Olde Laptope out and do some writing. So on my way to Grant Park, very suddenly, a freakin' wave of black clouds rolls in.

Immediately, a rainstorm of biblical proportions began. (Probably drawn by the comments I often make re: the suckiness of S. Kubrick's ouevre.) Idiot that I am, I have no waterproof case for my laptop. So I ran into Harold Washington. The library, I mean, not the guy. That woulda been pretty fucked up.

I mean, the dude's been dead for, like, over 18 years. He'd be, like, "Hi, I'm Harold Wash- ington. I was Chicago's first black mayor." And I'd be all like, "Yeeaaagh!!!" 'cuz, like, he'd be all rotted.

And he'd lay his scantily fleshed fingers on my shoulders--exposed bone clutching living, beautiful, living tissue.


(And I know where you think this is going. A beloved female acquaintance sez I can't relate an anecdote without, uh, inserting sodomy into it. Apparently she missed my recent consideration of Jeff Foxworthy's Celebrity Roast, which stuck strictly to cannibalism, but you'll see--no sodomy occurred here.)


And still clutching my living tissue and all that, Harold Washington would be like, "Lemme buy you lunch. I'm Harold Washington, (who as stated previously, is/was/whatever, Chicago's first black mayor,) and I am lonely.

"And more than that, I am hungry. But we gotta find mushy, sticky food 'cuz my esophageal region is pretty fucked up, and food might not make it to my gas-bloated belly. (Just what state of decay am I in after 18 years anyway? I mean, how fucked up are my internal organs, etc.?)

"So c'mon, dude, let's eat. I just smoked a bowl w/ the crumbling shade of Jimmy Stewart. Boy, does that guy know how to party! Who knew? He can get ya dead hookers, and all types of drugs, and unregistered firearms, which, while they won't kill yr. dead enemies, can fuck with their structural integrity.

"Wo, dude! I said 'structural integrity!' Isn't that cool? They're always talking about 'structural integrity' in TV shows, like Star Trek. I think they mentioned it a lot there--and on other sci-fi shows that are mostly inferior to Trek.

"I love Star Trek, dude, though, (and I know every Trek fan sez this, but I really mean it,) I don't go so far w/ it as to become a trekkie. They're pretty fucked up, dude, trekkies.

"What I really love best-- 'tho I'm fond of the women's short uniforms, of course-- hubba hubba--and high-tek action--are the characters. Esp. Spock and Bones. They were sorta like David and Maddie. (Though I fuckin' hated Moonlighting, dude and would love to haunt the shit out of both Bruce Willis and Cybill Shepherd.)


[Ha! See, you thought there was gonna be sodomy there, didn't you? With all that Bones and Spock/ David and Maddie stuff? Feel pretty stupid, dontcha?]


"But first I'd have to get a Class A Fearful Revanant rating added to my Walking Dead License. Right now, I do have a Class D Portentious Phantom thingy to go w/ my Class C Standard Zombie rating, but, you know, it's good to be versatile in this ever-changing job market. Did you know that 80% of cadavers will change jobs five times before their structural integrity fails (Wo, dude! I said it again! Isn't that cool?) and they crumble into a pile of dessicated bones? Whatta bummer, dude.

"Except for vampires--like Christopher Lee, who has everyone fooled into thinking he's still alive, but he really is a vamp since some pissed off vamps came and vamped him. The reason they were pissed, these real vamps, (dude, I mean, the other vamps, not Christopher Lee, who is also a real vamp, but wasn't yet at that point. Am I, like, making sense?) Oh yeah-- the reason these real vamps were pissed... (Do you think real vamps piss blood, I mean from all that blood they drink? Dude, that is so sick! I should ask one of 'em.)
"Oh yeah... well these real vamps, (not including Christopher Lee, who wasn't a real vamp yet. Did I already say that?) These real vamps were pissed about the way that Chris, in those old Hammer movies, (man, those things are so cheesy, but you know, kinda cool,) was trivializing vamps in the eyes of the living and thereby setting the cause of Undead rights back, like, 50 years.

"And, dude? I think that's being a little extreme. A movie, however offensive, can't do that. But, like, oh yeah, the reason I brought up vamps, dude? Was because they can repeatedly crumble and reassemble themselves, which has up- and downsides, actually. (Like reassembling yourself after a really lame party's started where you were disassembled before, and so like then being stuck at this fucking lame party, because you don't wanna be rude and leave right away.)


"And I'd really like to see Spock shove his enor- mous green- headed organ up Bones's puckered asshole. Not that I'm gay or anything. I'm just, you know, curious."



Ah fuck! There was sodomy right at the end there. I forgot he said that till now.

Anyway, I was just glad the fucker shut up. I kept hoping that maybe his rotted jaw would fall off his head from all that wagging. I hate dealing with people who are high when I'm not.

But so I turned down his offer of lunch-- even tho it woulda been free, and even though he was coming on all pathetic, trying to win my sympathy with all that shit about being lonely. Yep. I turned him down, 'cuz as you can see, he isn't just dead and gross and all that, he's fuckin' boring.





Still working on that Thing-Fish (and Hawaii) thing. Really. And it's damned interesting and incisive. I promise. But my analysis has now topped (wow I even worked sodomy into that) 50 pp. (huhuhuh "pp") and needs to be cut down and clarified a little. I gotta learn to quit digressing so much.

Ah well...